Netball review: the yams

Often in life, there are unique moments of elementary genius that revolutionise things. When the game of basketball started, the game was stopped every time the ball was scored and a ladder-wielding janitor would take to the skies to rescue the ball. It took a simple, holeproof idea of cutting out the bottom of the basket for ball to really start rolling and the game to start picking up [2]...and I guess for a janitor to lose his job (automation's been taking names and taking jobs since 1891). 


Unfortunately the bastardization of basketball into the corrupt pastime that is netball was stepping (lulz ironically using netball lingo) in the wrong direction.

Sport is meant to be fun, but netball is just a game of prison. Ever wonder why criminals play basketball, not netball in jail? It's a prison with hardcourt paint and whistles instead of bars and armed guards. I've never felt so frustrated with restriction in my life, except for when SmaI won't do it's fucking job.

Actually, it does kind of remind you of prison bars, more like
cell blocks actually [3].

Most of the time, my defensive position was: *sigh* followed by a shoulder slump and sadfacing the ground. See, I can stick to my opponent like glue, but it doesn't matter because if they do get the ball, now I'm obstructing, because I am standing inside their fairy ring of protection:

This is me, dealing with the well-thought out, balanced, non-arbitrary rules of netball [1]

I am left paralysed, not allowed to raise my arms up, or put off my opponent in any way, nullifying my defensive presence, all because I got "too close"when they had the ball they got the ball when I was "too close". Then they take a big-ass cheeky one-point-five steps right past me and drop it in the bucket, while I stand and watch, helpless, passive, and dead inside.


People believe in, and do a lot of dumb things en masse, but netball may be the dumbest thing participated in by the masses. As I sit on the sideline, wincing every time I hear the whistle (as a deaf crunt, I probably miss most of the whistles too), I wonder: if an umpire has to blow the whistle that frequently during the game, isn't that a sign that the game is broken; a constant, high-pitched reminder that what you're doing isn't right? 

To break down why the whistle blows so often, we have to look at the rules and why they are being broken. I can sum it up really quickly: the rules that are broken often are stupid. You can now skip this paragraph if you want.
It doesn't make any sense why some of the rules exist. Why can't I throw a ball over a third of the court? That makes no sense whatsoever. I don't care about everyone touching the ball, I just want my team to score goals. Why can't I actually defend my defender and take the ball from them? Why can't I get up in their grill and put pressure on them. Why is my defensive presence nullified if I am standing too close? The only way I can justify these rules is to make it harder for defenders. What's the point in the three-second holding the ball rule, if there is no real pressure on the ball holder? Why can't you move out of your position and cover another part of the court? The rules are so unforgiving and stringent that it makes tactics formulaic and predictable, yet I find it hard to do anything about it because of defender restrictions.

• Want to steal the ball from your opponent? NOPE. 
• Want to put even a modicum of pressure on a standstill opponent and get in their face? NOPE
• Want to man-up and not just look for intercepts? NOPE
• Want to lob a ball over the court for a quick goal? NOPE

The restrictions put on netball takes all the best parts about basketball; the dynamic and interactive elements and removes them from play. No stealing, no actual defence, no contact, no long distance fast plays, and replaces it with a magical ring of protection (+ 1 DEF) and nonstop whistleblowing, but not the good, Edward Snowden kind. 

Having the ball gives you one of these, sadly it's a three second
temporary buff [4]

To sum up my netball review: this is a game that penalises you for actively participating for attempting to stop your opponent from scoring. Almost like a fun, loving game of take-it-in-turnsies.



That said, maybe I just suck at netball rules. Maybe netball rules suck and I rule. Who knows. All I know is The Yams, are better off without me. Yamspeed, and good luck yamigos.

References

[1] http://i.imgur.com/rtpxva2.gif

[2] http://www.rarenewspapers.com/view/206238

[3] http://www.sports.det.nsw.edu.au/sportsedu/resources/rules/media/court.gif

[4] https://img0.etsystatic.com/034/1/6569665/il_570xN.615379018_a1fj.jpg