Higher Living's Organic Herb Infusion - Cocoa and Chilli

My house is pretty loud at the moment, DEAFNESS ACTIVATE:

Uh..guys...I can't turn it off. HOW DO I TURN IT OFF?
Deactivate!? DEACTIVATE!!!

Today, we will be discussing motivation, life, and Higher Living's Organic Herb Infusion - Cocoa and Chilli.

Now on paper, this tea should be killer; it should be ideal and perfect, but I've got a homemade hamburger cooked by mum, and dark chocolate and strawberries on standby ready to go, when I'm inevitably pinned down by this potentially horrible brew and I need some cover fire to get my men out. I'm not leaving a single man behind! (Tastebuds = men)

Chilli you say...I'd like to see you try. Well, technically I'll
be doing the trying, but who cares, you can't talk back to
me, you're just a tea bag. So just sit there, and suck it,
you inanimate object, you can't feel anything! You can't
even go skydiving, or go-carting, or eat McDonalds. Even
the most basic human can eat McDonalds, and what can
you do? Yeah thought so, good comeback.

Initial observations:
I'll be honest, it smells pretty fetching! The chocolate smells great, but the anise and licorice overpowers it quite quickly the deeper you breathe. It's kind of like when a dog licks you, at first it's cute, then you realise your legs/face/crotch is wet and now smells like dog breath. So I guess it's not so fetching. It's all stick no carrot.

First thoughts on the first sips:

It's pretty fetch.

Okay, okay, fine; it's pretty wow, that chocolate is smashing. Being a big chocolate fan, I expected that, but it's not as direct as you think. The flavour kind of takes a slingshot loop around Gargantua to take advantage of gravity assist to try and reach Edmunds (the back of my throat) because it doesn't have enough fuel to reach my taste buds on my tongue (wat?). It really hits you on the back of the throat, and the flavour kind of sticks to the roof and back of your mouth. It's weird, but kinda nice.

Can't go over it, can't go under it, gotta go through around it.

Many sips later:
This is the part I hate about some teas; their downfall. Why do they try to overcomplicate blends with 20 million unneeded ingredients? They have a great choc-chilli base with some cool complimentary herbal ingredients (fennel, vanilla, and cinnamon), but have to complexify the tea with not only licorice, but caramom, cloves, and anise. Just like with salt, less is more with tea; why do they think that this makes the tea better?
The anise and licorice are so not welcome in my mouth right now.
I haven't yet commented on the chilli yet, but that's because I'm yet to hear back from it. I've been leaving it voicemails, texts, harassing it on Facebook, but still no answer. I just want an explanation; closure. I just want to move on, but it won't let me.

Recommendation: 
If you can put up with licorice and anise deciding to extend the house when fennel, chocolate, cinnamon, vanilla and their pet dog chilli are sleeping, give it a crack, although I've got a pack of 20 sitting on my desk at work now, so if you're really curious, just ask me for one, because god damn, I really don't want to drink 19 more.

Final words:

I really, dont want to drink 19 more, please come by and try this polarising but mainly shitty amazing and complex tea.

Retroactive reviews, me and tea

So, I just want to take a moment to reflect on the personal transformation I've gone through over the past two months: I went from drinking no tea ever, to drinking two cups a day, and it's all thanks to this tea blog. I have had some big changes in my life due to tea drinking, and I have connected with a whole new bunch of people who share a passion in tea, which I think is quite cool really. I never knew there were quite so many tea fans out there. Now when I think about the limited space in my wallet for emergency stuff, I have a dilemma: what do I make room for, a condom or a tea bag?


Retroactive reviews:
These aren't going to be the usual reviews because too much time has passed and I can't remember how I felt at each stage of my patented tea reviewing method. 

So, I am currently fascinated with that tea on the left:

They're good friends and excellent lovers

That would be Twinings Bright and Fragrant - Orange and Cinnamon. Now I haven't been cheating on the tea blog and trying teas without reviewing them, that is what this post is for; to do some retroactive reviews. This tea smells delicious, tastes as it should, and just totally makes the beginning and end of my day. Although it's a herbal tea with a rooibos base, it's got that orange fruit hint which kicks goals for me. I love orange, and the cinnamon is strong and present. Overall it's a simple blend, but works for me. 

The other tea on the right is Twinings Infusions - Camomile, Honey and Vanilla Flavoured. Honey in tea is cheating, I know, and I kind of resent myself for liking this one; its a guilty pleasure that smells great brewed, but unfortunately I don't know/remember what camomile tastes like by itself, so for now I'm going till I finish this box. Again, a simple tea that is aromatic and tastes pretty, without being sweet. That's another great thing about teas, is that they don't taste sweet; they just taste like the stuff that is in them (wat?). But it's strange tasting honey minus the sweet.

The other tea I tried was a blend, prepared by my friend Min. She mixed T2's Turkish Apple with T2's Strawberry and Cream and made an iced tea for me and herself. This was the first iced tea I've ever had, and it was alright. It was sweet, and fruity that's for sure, but it still reminded me of weak cordial. I mean it was super refreshing being cold, but I'm not sure how I feel about sweet tea with a million wanky, fruity ingredients. It kind of made me feel like a T2 altarboy, praying at the T2 church. You know when you go on their website and read their pretentious and purple-prose descriptions? T2 is overrated, expensive, conceited, but ultimately, underwhelming. Though, prove me wrong and tell me something to get and I'll give it a brew, bro (kiwi accent).


On the blog:
It's hard doing a daily tea blog; it's really tough doing a daily tea blog everyday, when your proverbial mug is already pretty full. It doesn't help that my internet is currently maxed out (figure that one out) and I am so reluctant to wait the half an hour it takes to upload a 2.4 MB picture. That said, the blog will continue (hopefully daily), because I am really enjoying trying new teas, as well as writing about them! It's so exciting, trying something new, everyday; I love that experience, that I get to try something new all the time, and I generally won't know what the outcome will be, it's a science at it's crudest!


Tea knowledge:
There are three types of teas from what I can figure out so far:

• real tea with green/black tea leaves, caffeinated, generally disgusting
• herbal teas with camomile/fennel/rooibos/jasmine etc.,
• fruit teas, which are basically weak, hot cordial. Fruit tea isn't real tea, but I support herbal teas supplemented with fruit flavourings.

Any combination is usually pretty good in my opinion: green/black with herbal or fruit flavours, or herbal with fruit flavours. Hahaha just kidding, most tea is shit, but these blends are more tolerable.
Fruit tea on it's own has no leg to stand on, and herbal teas on their own usually are bland.

The future:

I think once I have a solid knowledge-base and grounding in teas, I will start mixing teas like a pro, taking blends I like and mixing them with other ones. Also once I build up a solid foundation is favourite teas (roughly 10 - 20), I will be sending them out to people that have given me tea, because I think that is the great thing about tea; they are sharable, and now that I'm totally an expert who knows everything about tea, my opinion totally matters.

Well, that's pretty much it for today, I will hopefully be back tomorrow with a new exciting review, and with actual funny material rather than this self-absorbed, expositional bullcrap I'm sullying my tea blog with.

T2's Fruitalicious

I wish I'd started a coffee blog, because then I could have called it 'The Daily Grind'. Critical failure for sure.
For todays tlog, I'll first be discussing some points on why I wouldn't make a good combat soldier so hopefully defence.gov.au will stop sending me emails telling me how great of a career option it is. Then I'll move on to T2's Fruitalicious.

Dear Australian Government Department of Defence: I would not be a good soldier because:
a) I am deaf in one ear
b) I need glasses to see two meters in front of me
c) None of your uniforms/shoes will fit me
d) I have flat feet
e) There probably isn't good internet connection where you will eventually station me
f) Finally the most important reason, I'm currently in the middle of Gilmore Girls and going to war would really put a pin in a grenade I want to watch explode (to keep with the warfare theme)

Okay, now that's covered, moving on.

Just check out that post-it-note bag. Amazing work! It's
got a homely, office-like feel to it.

Initial observations:
Thanks should go to Sarah for patching this tea up for me in this makeshift post-it-note bag, surely she took the Jury Rigging perk:

Thank god she didn't take the Pyromaniac one 

First thoughts on the first sips:

See, this is why I hate fruit tea; it is just like weak cordial. I mean, I don't really like tea in general, but ohhh my godddddd. I hope there are at least antioxidants in this tasteless bland crap, because I am getting depressed, and I will need something to pick me up. I don't know if antioxidants improve mental health, but knowing that there is at least some benefit to drinking this will go a long way in making me feel better.

Many sips later:

Today I learned that tea leaves and ingredients are separated and graded based on specific properties. Were these 'fruitalicious' ingredients in the tasteless pile?

Yes this is 100% real [1, 2]

Nope, not finishing this drink. I guess I say that about a lot of things in my life, but I feel this time it's justified. I'd rather drink dish soap, because at least that might taste like fruit (lemons).

Recommendation: 

Nope, just go with cordial, although you will look like a fool at work, walking around with your mug of cordial. "You chump, drinking a kids product", "Did you forget your nappy?", your colleagues will say mockingly, as you sip your puny kids drink. Cordial was invented so kids would drink water. Tea was invented so adults could feel chuff, walking around with their hot beverage, head held high, knowing they graduated from cordial and Milk Teeth toothpaste:
 

Damn, I realise how much I miss this stuff. I WANNA GO
BACK. I MISS BEING A KID. BEING AN ADULT SUCKS.
Oh wait, I can just go to the supermarket and buy this now.
BEING AN ADULT RULES! SUCK IT KIDS

Final words:

Fine, I lied, I finished it, but only because I am really thirsty AND/OR lazy, AND/OR my water bottle is empty.

Source:

[1] No it's not

[2] http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/b/b9/Sri_Lankan_OP_Tea_Case.jpg
[3] http://www.co-operativepharmacy.co.uk/assets/Pharmacy/catalogue/product/large/3272788.jpg

Southern Light Herbal Teas random bag

Good day my fellow teaple, today was a weird day, well yesterday was: I purchased two teas from the supermarket, meaning it was the first time I have ever bought tea in my life! I'll spend tomorrow reviewing them both, because I tried them at work today, and they were banging! Anyway, moving on, today I am reviewing this strange mix: Southern Light Herbal Teas. It doesn't say what's in it, or what the name of the mix is as you can see, but I am not looking forward to this; I don't like not knowing. What I do know is this tea expired in May of 2012, so if there is any random hallucinogenic herbs mixed in, they hopefully have still retained their wacky properties. 

10/2/15 update: So apparently this one is called Scholars Blend, and it is suppose to bring me 'mental clarity'. - Thanks Sarah

Mystery tea. Oh well, it's organic, it must be okay...

Initial observations:

Okay, from the moment I brewed this one, I knew it was gonna be a struggle. If I were a Pokemon, all my moves would have just run out of PP, and I would be killing myself slowly, and the trainer I am facing doesn't want to waste the Masterball:

Jen is the Jgenderbended Pokemon version of Ben.

First thoughts on the first sips:

Eugh! Maybe expiry dates are actually a thing. Hmm, maybe this is just really bad tea. It sure isn't captivating me. I can see how the packet recommends honey, but I also think it should recommend a handgun or a lethal amount of heroin within an arms reach too. I want to tackle this tea, but I can't seem to take it down.

Many sips later:

Wow, tea really is a double-edged sword; sometimes growth occurs and you like it, and other times you just have to absorb it. It's sending thunderbolts through my taste buds, and I can't seem to dig my way out of it. I wish tea wouldn't taunt me so, and for once just hold out a helping hand. It astonishes me how I endeavour to try so many teas, yet almost every time I get beat up, and believe me, this isn't just fake tears for dramatic purposes; I dive deeper and deeper into this whirlpool we call tea, with extreme speed, and I don't know why. I'm at my last resort people! I have nightmares that I'm cursed, and I just wish the ominous winds would take me out to the dark void, where tea does not exist!

Recommendation: 

Since I don't know what this tea is, I don't know how to tell you what to avoid so you NEVER DRINK THIS. Look at this bag, memorise the font and the company, and the random mix of unknown herbs, and remember to NEVER DRINK THIS.


Final words:

You know, I used to think drinking tea was a challenge, a fruitless one, well except for all those fruity teas, but then I saw this motivational poster, and it brought a tear to my eye.

True dat mothefuckaaaa [1]

I want to struggle, because tea is worth it.

Most of it isn't, but some of it is, and it's worth digging through the bad to get to the good; the needle in a haystack approach has never been more relevant, and desired. Tea is a lot like life, you have to filter out the crap, learn to not judge a tea on it's smell person on their smell outward appearance, sort the good from the bad, and when you do find a good one, just sit back, drift away with it and enjoy the neurons lighting up in the happy centre of your brain.

Source:

[1] http://ommin202.deviantart.com/art/Struggle-365118544

http://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Main_Page

Japanese Green Tea with toasted barley

Tea heads, welcome all of you! Gather round, gather round, for today I bringeth you all a story, a story I spun not 15 minutes ago. Let the Shelbyvillians naysayers have their fill, for I would not pull your leg, for this story be true, you can bet your bones on it. It all began with the cup of Japanese Green Tea with toasted barley sitting before me...

This story is truer than the origin of the lemon tree of
Springfield, home of the great Jebediah Springfield. As for
it's scale, it is much more epic and interlaced than the
fabric that holds Cloud Atlas together.

Hi, I'm a tea!

Initial observations:

I perchanced upon this wonderfully smelling tea, aromas dancing below my nose when I thought "Oh god that barley. Barley smells good. It smells better roasted. It smells better when it's in my tea." I looked up to the heavens, and thanked whatever god made me, for they also had the grace to make barley tea.

"You smell that? You smell that? Barley, boy. Nothing else
in the world smells like that. I love the smell of roasted barley
in the morning.  One time we had a hill bombed for 12 hours.
 I walked up it when it was all over; we didn't find one of
 'em...not one stinking gook body. They slipped out in the night, but
the smell, that roasted smell, the whole hill, it smelled like...victory

First thoughts on the first sips:

I swallowed my pride, then I took a sip, one would say at almost exactly the same time. "Oh wow, that is fantastic!" I thought. I said to myself, "You know this is what I actually love about tea; the simple things. 10 obscure organic ingredients does not a tea make. This right here is down to earth tea; it's got actual green tea in it, and it's got a solid foundation in the barley, giving it character and that full umami feels." For on this day, I had umami feels.

Many sips later:

Consider me chugging. I smashed this out like a 17 year old carrying a six-pack before heading into The Hawthorn. I king hit this tea like a Weekend Warrior in Melbourne would. I'm so glad I am alive to drink this. I knew I had to do something!

Recommendation: 

So, I ran from village to village, proclaiming this magical concoction. Yet no one would listen. I made signs, I cried louder than the town crier, yet no one would listen. I went out to the barley fields, and with a wooden board and my weight, I made funny patterns in the crops, circles, and symbols, just trying to get the world's attention! Yet it didn't work. Then, just as I was about to give up, I wrote a blog, and I recommended it. People all around the world reached out to me, and read this message. "Finally" I said, as I took my last breath, I could let go.

Final words:

Teadrinker, do not underestimate the powers of tea, or suffer your
father’s fate, you will. Teadrinker, when gone am I, the last of the tea drinkers,
will you be. Pass on what you have learned, Teadrinker...There is...another...Tea...Tea...drinker.

Sources:

Ma brain, pop culture, my mum, etc etc.

T2's chocolate tea

Sorry tea fanatics, I've been off due to THRUSH OF THE MOUTH. I promised myself I'd tell the truth on this blog, no matter how bad a taste it leaves in your mouth. P.S. THE ORAL THRUSH MADE EVERYTHING TASTE REALLY BAD, so I couldn't really review tea this past week. Well I could have, but everything would have tasted like THRUSH OF THE MOUTH, so the reviews would have been pretty boring.

Fortunately I have some good friends, one of whom is named Sarah, who totally name-dropped my blog on Facebook, and the traffic doubled. Sarah bestowed upon me this bunch of interesting teas today, so I thought I'd start by getting the batting average back up with a delicious smelling tea: T2's chocolate tea.

Sarah is a tea Santa. She has a sack of teas and gave me
some to check off my list.

Initial observations:

Hot damn this smells good. It smells like chocolate self-saucing pudding! Also this is the first time I've used this little metal tea bag thing, and by the looks of it, it has barely worked at all; there is little tea giblets everywhere outside of it! Why aren't the holes smaller!? That's the last time I raid my kitchen for tea tools.

This is what happens when turn Life Settings to 'graphic'

First thoughts on the first sips:

Wow that's nice. It's subtle, but nice. Subtle, is a subtle way of saying it's weak though. It's really weak. Talcum powder is stronger than this tea:

Yes I just made this just for this.
Geology is cool okay! Don't give me
a hard time.

Many sips later:

I'm a big cocoa fan, and therefore anything with cocoa beans in it is good. I can definitely taste the black tea base, it's bitterness looming over me like a raven, nevermore. This smells so much damn better than it tastes. Tea is a mirage oasis people! All tea smells amazing, but is usually disappointingly weak. That isn't a generalisation, if I wanted watered down versions of nice food, I'd buy tea. Hell even after a sip this still smells amazing.
Okay revisiting my mug after 20 minutes and now finding out this actually gets better the colder it gets, who knew? Maybe it has application as iced tea?

Recommendation: 

I'd get it just to try it, it's not often you find yourself drinking chocolate tea, if even for the gimmick; because that's what this is, a cheap, watered down gimmick.

Final words:

No matter how much tea I try, I can't get no...

Sources:

[1] http://onlyballapowder.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/Mens-Talcum-Powder.jpg
[2] http://mineral.esci.umn.edu/sites/mineral.esci.umn.edu/files/11568_0.JPG
[3] http://www.beg.utexas.edu/mainweb/publications/graphics/calcite400.jpg
[4] http://www.westernwoods.biz/store/images/Flourite.jpg
[5] http://www.gemstonebuzz.com/files/gemstone/apatit-nepheline.jpg
[6] http://core.ecu.edu/geology/harper/mineral/22lg.gif
[7] http://www.rocksforkids.com/images/quartz%200908%20quartz%20rose2.jpg
[8] http://www.collectionstudio.com/images/blog/collectors/Rob+Lavinsky/Imperial_Topaz.jpg
[9] http://mineral.esci.umn.edu/sites/mineral.esci.umn.edu/files/11623_0.JPG
[10] http://hydra-media.cursecdn.com/minecraft.gamepedia.com/8/85/DiamondOre.png