T2's Cool As A Cucumber (chocolate)

Apparently I'm now branching out into tea-flavoured things. You really need to lower your expectations teaple, because I'll use any excuse to try anything tea related now. DO YOU SEE WHAT TEA HAS DONE TO ME? I'm like a crack addict, trying to find fresh veins, or new things to cut it with. 

Me now (November 29th, 2015). Pfft, pretty boy.

Me in 2 years. [1] 
'No teeth-grazes means a happy customer.'

T2's Cool As A Cucumber chocolate was gifted to me by a lovely person, and I am eternally grateful. Let me be clear, this is a tea flavoured chocolate block.


Through the eyeglass and Smelloscope:
Well, it certainly looks like chocolate, smells like chocolate, and I'm going to assume it tastes like chocolate. If it doesn't, I'm going to be so let down. Still no hint of the fabled tea contained within. 

Packaging, so you know what to look for/avoid.
Cool. Cool cool cool. 

I've got a theory we should work this out
this probably won't last long.

This is such a pretentious block of chocolate, starring the likes of: vanilla pods, white hibiscus (quite), roasted chicory root (oh, at least it's roasted), cucumber, lemongrass, woodruff (wait, what?), apple, eucalyptus leaves, sweet blackberry leaves (thank god they're sweet), melon pieces, lime, lemon myrtle, sunflower petals (oh come on, seriously?) and raspberry pieces. 
This BLOCKbuster (tehehe)

LAUGH DAMMIT!

I SAID LAUGH! 

will most likely be comparable to Ocean's 12, despite the star-studded cast. 


The very first 'first bite of segment' segment of the tlog:
Brb toilet.
Back. 
Okay so, wow, that is interesting. It is really complex. Some of the flavours are contained in these little hard granules that feel like you're chewing sand. It's kind of like eating crab; you don't want to be eating little shell flakes, but crab meat is so damn tasty you'll do it anyway.

• For you vegetarians: it's like eating fish that contains small bones.
• For you real vegetarians, it's like eating a potato fresh from the soil without washing it.
• For you vegans: see vegetarian, but the potato hasn't been grown in a crop-rotated field that included animals

Man, if only I had an enzyme to digest cellulose with! Oh well... [2]

Dark chocolate is amazing, and if you don't like it, don't buy this. It is richer than a Rothschild and to be honest, I can't actually taste many/any of the flowery and neverending list of grandiose premium ingredients. It just tastes like chocolate with a weird little indescribable taste, and a grainy texture.
It's good, don't get me wrong, just seems unnecessary, like the Kardasishns (yes I have made a spelling error, but out of principal and fear of being called a hypocrite, I refuse to fix it, to prove just how little it matters, and because you all know who I am talking about anyway).

Ahh, sweet, sweet woodruff. Weight, is it the
flowers or the leaves? [3]

A reductionist's approach here would be useful.
I seriously can't imagine some 'food engineer' tasting this chocolate and going: 'Hmmmm, it's missing something. Hmmmmmmmm. Wait, I know! Woodruff! Ahh, now it's perfect'.


The rest of the block:
Okay this is awkward: the chocolate is already gone. I wasn't really prepared for this and before I realised it, I had eaten all of it. I feel really sad right now. It never stood a chance...I, never stood a chance. Thank god I just ate chocolate, otherwise I'd be really sad I don't have any more chocolate...oh wait.


Thoughtlessness:
Look, the volume is small, it's most likely expensive, but it's good. I recommend trying it, because it was delicious, but seriously, get over yourself right after you do eat it.


Le ref:
[1] http://images2.fanpop.com/image/photos/14000000/Gollum-Smeagol-smeagol-gollum-14076888-960-403.jpg
[2] https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/c/c9/HaworthStrukturCellulose.jpg/800px-HaworthStrukturCellulose.jpg
[3] http://schmidling.com/woodruff.jpg

planet organic's Female Balance

Hey teaple, how you iz? So I like to think I am quite in touch with my more feminine side, but sometimes I'll admit I'm off my game. Yesterday, some snatch subtly hinted to me that I should give it a fine tuning by giving me this tea, so today's tea is planet organic's Female Balance. The cooter muffin might be right: let's drink this bitch.

I don't need balance, I need MORE POWER. 

At first glance:

Lemongrass, not a fan. Herbal teas are usually great, no caffeine, snazzy and cute ingredients, but I don't really understand why this is just for women. Wanna talk about 'equality' and 'balance'? Equality is for rubes, and balance is for gymnasts. Also I'm so glad it's organic, otherwise I'd feel just...terrible. No fairtrade? Oh goodness gracious me! Pfft. Pffffft.

No caption needed [1].








Okay fine: This is my pfft, novel-writing, and sex face. It's also my 'Ewwwww,
lemongrass face'.

Sips:

Oh dang, this be some sweet, sweet tang. Licorice is the bomb! The aftertaste is a craymazing fusion of the zesty lemongrass and the sweet, sweet licorice. It's sOVARY good. Does anyone need a hug? 

Are YOU okay, sincerely? 

It's seriously going to be okay, if you want to talk, I want to listen.

I am feeling very supportive right now, and I want you to know that. A seed has sprouted, and I await it's fruits with a humbled presence.  

Downing it:

Okay, I am digging this tea: a luscious rainforest now grows within my heart which was once filled with earthy abandon (flowery prose hey?). Aren't girls the best? God damn, they are just the best. I don't know where I'd be without them, but I am so thankful for all the women in my life; that choose to grace me with their presence. Now that I'm a big boy, and I learned I can choose friends, I have tried to surround myself with people I respect, and whose company I enjoy, and I'm so glad many of them are guuuuurls. 

I know equality is a big thing right now worldwide for women, rightly so; the idea of treating all the womenz as people seems to be hard to understand. Respect shouldn't be earned, it should be assumed.

Oh right, I almost forgot: this is a tea blog. The tea's good, get it.

Afterthought/s:

Balance is such an important part of life; for your diet, work vs play, and male to female ratios in China. Be thankful for equilibrioception and your vestibulo-ocular reflexes. Thank your ancestors by drinking this tea, and have a good think about the ones you choose as your people blanket. Please don't use a real people blanket, it's a metaphor. I don't want this blog connected with a string of murders involving skinned victims.

Final werds:

Great, I'm now realising how much I miss Buffy, and Veronica Mars, and Gilmore Girls, and The Good Wife. Thank old gods and the new, for Jessica Jones.

I don't want to have to explain that I was being suuuper ironic at the top of this tlog, demonstrating the 'transformation' I underwent due to the consumption of planet organic's Female Balance, so I'm not going to.

Referential potential:

[1] http://i1.wp.com/www.psyourdogcalled.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/dog-sticking-tongue-out.jpg?fit=830%2C9999

Letter to Greg Behrendt and Dave Anthony

Not a tea blog entry, but since I have no other platform, I shall post this here:


I want to talk about the podcast Walking the Room, and what it means to me. Being late to the game and first listening this year, I had a lot to catch up on. I’ll start with a quick anecdote: My friend at uni got me into WTR in 2015, and I was listening to it at a furious rate, burning through episode after episode. I work in a lab, so I turn it on in my headphones and listen. I was listening to the start of an episode and was singing along to the old WTR song loudly. My supervisor comes into the room and says: ‘Do you listen to Walking the Room?’.

I should just start off by saying that I have listened to a LOT of podcasts, and this isn’t your average Cuddle; it explores human nature through the vulnerability of a friendship, and brings us along for the rollercoaster.

What’s most remarkable about WTR is its sincerity. Humans repeat stories, they contradict themselves, they are hypocritical, and these are all shown throughout the tenure of WTR. It really is a special journey one gets to take with two very close human beings. I am flattered you invited us into the closet to hear about your lives and relationships. To explore a friendship so intimately is such a rare thing, and to see it in sliver-like cross-sections over a long period of time is such a treat.  I’ve beared witness to how you and your friend lean on, support, poke fun at, and humour each other throughout the highs and lows of life. Being funny in the face of adversity doesn’t have to be done alone, and owning your bullshit can be cathartic and therapeutic for both listener and speaker.

You guys are inherently creative people and the love the creative process. It is such a fun thing listening to you guys develop ideas, which turn into running jokes over time, watching them evolve into something crazier and more preposterous. Sometimes I just sit there in amazement and wonder what went through your minds for the idea to end up where it did. Even though WTR has been about fans, it’s never been about the fans; it’s always been about the real, visceral friendship between you two.

Often the most touching moments are when it’s just you two talking, whether it’s worrying about your kids, future, or talking about social issues. You two are deeply caring people (as much as Dave wouldn’t like to admit it), and you guys create small moments that I’m glad I was there to hear.

The greatest thing about Walking the Room is that it’s not a “success story”, it’s just real life. Life is hard, and it doesn’t end like a movie. WTR personifies this, and doesn’t coddle us with bullshit, or wrap things up in an oversimplified way. You guys delve into the complex and the unpleasant, and often leave it on a sombre note. So I want to thank you for that.

I want to thank you for the company, for the content, for being yourselves and allowing me the privilege of listening.

The nasty, dark, twisted, vulnerable, sweet, real and so-very-human swan-song to friendship, that’s Walking the Room.

*cue opening theme music*