T2's Cool As A Cucumber (chocolate)

Apparently I'm now branching out into tea-flavoured things. You really need to lower your expectations teaple, because I'll use any excuse to try anything tea related now. DO YOU SEE WHAT TEA HAS DONE TO ME? I'm like a crack addict, trying to find fresh veins, or new things to cut it with. 

Me now (November 29th, 2015). Pfft, pretty boy.

Me in 2 years. [1] 
'No teeth-grazes means a happy customer.'

T2's Cool As A Cucumber chocolate was gifted to me by a lovely person, and I am eternally grateful. Let me be clear, this is a tea flavoured chocolate block.


Through the eyeglass and Smelloscope:
Well, it certainly looks like chocolate, smells like chocolate, and I'm going to assume it tastes like chocolate. If it doesn't, I'm going to be so let down. Still no hint of the fabled tea contained within. 

Packaging, so you know what to look for/avoid.
Cool. Cool cool cool. 

I've got a theory we should work this out
this probably won't last long.

This is such a pretentious block of chocolate, starring the likes of: vanilla pods, white hibiscus (quite), roasted chicory root (oh, at least it's roasted), cucumber, lemongrass, woodruff (wait, what?), apple, eucalyptus leaves, sweet blackberry leaves (thank god they're sweet), melon pieces, lime, lemon myrtle, sunflower petals (oh come on, seriously?) and raspberry pieces. 
This BLOCKbuster (tehehe)

LAUGH DAMMIT!

I SAID LAUGH! 

will most likely be comparable to Ocean's 12, despite the star-studded cast. 


The very first 'first bite of segment' segment of the tlog:
Brb toilet.
Back. 
Okay so, wow, that is interesting. It is really complex. Some of the flavours are contained in these little hard granules that feel like you're chewing sand. It's kind of like eating crab; you don't want to be eating little shell flakes, but crab meat is so damn tasty you'll do it anyway.

• For you vegetarians: it's like eating fish that contains small bones.
• For you real vegetarians, it's like eating a potato fresh from the soil without washing it.
• For you vegans: see vegetarian, but the potato hasn't been grown in a crop-rotated field that included animals

Man, if only I had an enzyme to digest cellulose with! Oh well... [2]

Dark chocolate is amazing, and if you don't like it, don't buy this. It is richer than a Rothschild and to be honest, I can't actually taste many/any of the flowery and neverending list of grandiose premium ingredients. It just tastes like chocolate with a weird little indescribable taste, and a grainy texture.
It's good, don't get me wrong, just seems unnecessary, like the Kardasishns (yes I have made a spelling error, but out of principal and fear of being called a hypocrite, I refuse to fix it, to prove just how little it matters, and because you all know who I am talking about anyway).

Ahh, sweet, sweet woodruff. Weight, is it the
flowers or the leaves? [3]

A reductionist's approach here would be useful.
I seriously can't imagine some 'food engineer' tasting this chocolate and going: 'Hmmmm, it's missing something. Hmmmmmmmm. Wait, I know! Woodruff! Ahh, now it's perfect'.


The rest of the block:
Okay this is awkward: the chocolate is already gone. I wasn't really prepared for this and before I realised it, I had eaten all of it. I feel really sad right now. It never stood a chance...I, never stood a chance. Thank god I just ate chocolate, otherwise I'd be really sad I don't have any more chocolate...oh wait.


Thoughtlessness:
Look, the volume is small, it's most likely expensive, but it's good. I recommend trying it, because it was delicious, but seriously, get over yourself right after you do eat it.


Le ref:
[1] http://images2.fanpop.com/image/photos/14000000/Gollum-Smeagol-smeagol-gollum-14076888-960-403.jpg
[2] https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/c/c9/HaworthStrukturCellulose.jpg/800px-HaworthStrukturCellulose.jpg
[3] http://schmidling.com/woodruff.jpg