Madame Flavour's Tea Treats: caramel oolong

My life has been benchmarked by several key events or decisions, each of which changed the course of my life forever:

2013

• Moving to Geelong for honours
• Once in Geelong, trying aioli for the first time

2014

• Destroyed the Pizza Bar Chilli Challenge

2015

• Accidentally started drinking tea
• Discovering halloumi cheese
• Watched Mad Max: Fury Road

Okay, okay there may have been a few more important and cromulent decisions along the way, but those are the keystone ones that have defined my life up until this point, the rest, meh.

So, today my friend Sarah decided to give me a tea, and it was Madame Flavour's Tea Treats: caramel oolong. The only Oolong I know is this guy:

I'd take bacon over a Senzu bean any day. 

and since I'm a huge fan of the bacon/caramel combo, I am quite excited.

Initial observations:
Smells kind of like caramel, and the tea bag doesn't seem to be changing the colour of the water very much. At this point, I can't be sure whether or not this tea consists of FLAVOUR YOU CAN SEE!

First thoughts on the first sips:
Oh wait, oolong isn't...pork? The tea is super weak, maybe the bag just didn't release it's contents well. The 'caramel' is unnoticeable, and the drink tastes like slightly oolonginated water.

Madam fucking Flavour and her invasive fucking notes. Na I
kid, I think they are charming, and make me want to buy a heap
more Madam Flavour teas! All because of those well-crafted,
personal notes. Thanks Madam Flavour, you're the best, and it's
all because of your notes! <3 

Many sips later:
Damn, I might have to give this another go with another tea bag just incase this one was defective, or double/triple up tea bags if it is meant to be this weak. And aww, I was really looking forward to bacon and caramel tea.


Recommendation:
Let me get back to you kids, I can't analyse what's not there *cough* GOD *cough*. Sorry, must have gone down the wrong pipe, and this Quick-Quotes Quill just writes down everything I say (with some liberties). In the mean time, here is a poem I wrote:

I make much tea,
My mug is blue,
Man I hate tea,
No more T2

Final words:
Oh what a day, what a lovely day!

Nerada Organics' Green Tea and Lemon Myrtle

Welcome back tea fans, I hope you're excited about todays entry, I sure am! It's been calling to me like a mermaid on the rocks, you know the ones with shells over their boobs, not like the Harry Potter ones, or the Peter Pan ones, not like Aquaman either...you know, I'm starting to think Mermaids are creatures I don't actually want to come across. Anyway, moving on, picking randomly from my tea hitlist drinklist, I have drawn the short straw: Nerada Organics' Green Tea and Lemon Myrtle. Sigh, we are so not going to get on well.

I bet Jedi's wouldn't even drink this, I am practically a national
hero for drinking this. Why doesn't ACU name a scholarship
after me? What? Too soon?

Initial observations:
Smells lemony fresh as window cleaner and appetising as chewing lemongrass...without teeth...and lockjaw. Need I say more?


First thoughts on the first sips:
You know that feeling when you go into your wallet full knowing all you have is more silver than a wishing fountain, and you're really hungry/not intoxicated enough to know you're intoxicated enough, and you don't know where an ATM is, yet you still reach in and double check, just in case a note got folded down the bottom. But just like you knew deep down, your fishing expedition always comes up empty, with your hands smelling like dirty, cheap silver coins. That's what I feel like right now, because not only did I come up empty when drinking this monstrosity, but I have this lemony reminder hanging around my palate like an incurable gypsy curse.

Many sips later:
I have actual tears forming in the ducts of my eyes. This is such an unpleasant feeling; where mint may thrive being the condiment to green tea's 'food' (or whatever is the true opposite to 'condiment' is), lemon is just overkill. It assaults the senses with just such an overbearing lemony glaze. I just don't understand why someone would drink this. I get that lemon myrtle is a true blue skipper bloke swagman type tea, but no amount of patriotism could convince me to drink this tea again.

This is what you're doing

This is what I want you to do

Apologies for referencing this one 

Recommendation:
"We are one, but we are many" is a deep, complex and powerful statement. The ratio of lemon myrtle in one tea bag of Nerada Organics' Green Tea and Lemon Myrtle to 250 mL of water in favour of the myrtle, is also a powerful statement. If you like overpowering citrus flavour in the form of an unsweetened liquid with tiny notes of green tea, this outback science-experiment-gone-wrong is for you, if not I'd steer clear. 


Final words:
Maybe you think I'm too harsh and that I don't give things a fair go; that the legions of tea fans and fame has gotten to my head, and I just don't 'get it' anymore. Well maybe you're right, maybe I am overly harsh, but maybe, just maybe I just want to experience human greatness, and right at this very point in time I want to experience the output of human greatness in the form of great tea. And maybe this tea I drank tonight was not a great tea, maybe this tea was objectively lacking greatness.

The fact is, anyone can do anything with mediocrity, except be great. NB: Maybe that's the where the origin of the word 'critic' comes from, for critics denounce the mediocre from the stellar. Who am I kidding, critics are assholes.

Madame Flavour's Green Jasmine and Pear

It's been an interesting past few weeks, with a whole bunch of world news happening, many things going on in politics, and new celebrity couplings...I think. I don't actually know, I just assume all these things happen in repeat over the course of two to three week blocks, like a recurring nightmare. It's important to stay up to date in topical typical topics such as these (which I obviously do) so you can relate to other humans and have some common topics to dive into when small talk goes South.

Unfortunately for most normal humans, this is a tea blog, where tea and it's pop-culture tangents are focused on and celebrated; a marginalised array of people spending time as part of the smallest, most reclusive niche group on the planet (besides the Stonecutters), this tea blog.

As I open Madame Flavour's Green Jasmine and Pear, a cute curled up little note falls out. It exclaims how the company would love to hear about my "Madame Flavour experience". Well, Madam Flavour, I'd be happy to. For the first time since putting those notes in tea boxes it is now finally going to pay off. For you see Madam, you came to the right person; one with a vast and deep knowledge of tea and all it's hints and complexities, and I will step up and point you in the right direction.

And yes, I'm sure the 'sensual infuser pod' has greatly improved my Madame Flavour experience.

Still, the note is a nice touch.

Initial observations:
Smells alright, the Jasmine ain't promising to show me a whole new world or anything, but I'm feeling a mellow vibe as I breathe this one in. I feel as though jasmine tea always does this for me, it is a very calming aroma, and when I was once angry or agitated to prove myself, I feel it stripped away. This one isn't going to be that funny, but I don't really mind.

My mind is now placid, every thought now; a gentle ripple across the unbroken glassy surface, the mist hovering just above to give an air of mystery, the snow-capped mountains stand boldly in the near-distance. My body is now ready. Take me Madame Flavour, take me gently.


First thoughts on the first sips:
The pear is more bitter than I thought it would be. Straight up, I'm going to say I'm not a fan. The pear feels unnecessary, a feeble attempt at giving this tea character. This tea is Max Keeble's big snooze. I am keen to keep drinking and follow this mofo up, if only for the soothing jasmine peaks.


Many sips later:
I love the green tea/jasmine combination, it's a subtle mixture of the two, giving you the best of both worlds, but the pear is a strange element. You know when you are talking to a group of people at a function, and there is one person who just stands around discussing tea and how they write a tea blog, and they just don't really fit in. Yeah, the pear is kind of like that. It just doesn't fit in here.


Recommendation: 
What I really want is just a simple jasmine/green tea combination. Other fruity flavours don't seem to mix well with that foundation. I really do not understand why tea companies try to make tea into something it's not. That said, I think you can have fun blends, I drink this crazy Pineapple & Grapefruit Green Tea and I totally dig it, but putting pear in this combo isn't going to convince Madame Flavour's children that she's a cool mum who's hip and knows all the cool TV shows. I take that back, happy mothers day Madame Flavour.

This tea is alright, it's alright. I don't want to encourage tea companies to make 'quirky' blends like this for a sake of quirkiness, but I am feeling really calmed, with a good sense of clarity right now, although I did donate plasma this week, so maybe it's just my body succumbing to the phantom infection that's here to claim my life.


Final words:
Well, you did ask, ma'am. Just keep it real.