Something which has been welling up inside of me over the past few years as I've become more attuned to the news, politics and thinkers largely ignored by regular media is an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and powerlessness. I am so pessimistic about humanity's future and I exist in a perpetual state of annoyed and/OR pissed off. Being angry and frustrated all the time really sucks. I spend time doing things I really enjoy, work a job I adore and live with a girl I love. However at the back of my brain, from which I can recall it at a moment's notice, exists a dreaded bundle of existential pessimism. This feeling leaks out of these larger, Sword of Damocles-like situations like a corrosive miasma, corrupting smaller everyday life events which shouldn't even warrant a response, let alone an emotion one. This sense of being already wound up, then having tiny non-events pile up on top results in a disproportionate emotional response.
Things like driving or small inconveniences really frustrate me to a disproportionate levels. I hate that about myself. I used to be so chill. Anger spills into everything, and it's pure poison.
I got into a series of arguments with a friend's family member (one of the topics was he did 'not trust the numbers the government is telling us for herd immunity to be a thing'). It worked me up so much, and nothing I said was able to even doubt his perspective. I was drunk at the time, but completely unable to communicate science effectively enough for someone not trained in science to understand. I was so disappointed in myself for not being able to argue for it effectively and persuasively. I am so defeated by this situation. It should not be that big of a deal and it's not the end of the world.
How I think I should be feeling is to learn what I did wrong, read up on what information I'm missing, then try to make sure it doesn't happen again. Which I'm doing, but the piling up effect is a heavy burden.
So that's where I'm at. I want to be less angry and more chill. I want to care though. Can you care about things without getting angry when they're compromised?
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