Celestial Seasonings': Sleepytime Vanilla infusion

As secretly calming as Avril Lavigne's 'Complicated' usually is for me, today was not one of those days. I worked all damn day and got damn near nothing done, now my house is so damn cold I can see my own damn breath, and my damn sausage rolls are still cooking in the oven and I'm real damn hungry. UPDATE: So after checking on my sausage rolls, turns out I burned the damn things, but it's all good, because they are still uncooked in the...oh whatever, you know what? I don't have the emotional fortitude to deal with this at the moment:

Maybe I'll look back at this and laugh. YEAH MORE LIKE
LOOK BACK AT THIS WITH AN EMPTY STOMACH! YOU
FAILED ME OVEN, YOU HAD ONE ROLL (ROLE - geddit) 

But, you didn't come here to hear me complain about things, you came here to hear me complain specifically, about commercial tea, and I want to, but my fingers are cold. Well buckle up son, 'cos life ain't meant to always be easy and it's ain't always meant to be fun, and tea is a great example of that.

Todays tea is Celestial Seasonings': Sleepytime Vanilla infusion. Mmmm, well that's a lie, because right now it's the only tea I own, so it's also tomorrow's tea, and also 18 days after that.


Initial observations:
The box of tea smells great: minty, vanilla...ish(?), and it has a picture of a cute bear is taking a nap. All is well in this universe. I want to be unbirthed, then rebirthed into this idyllic world for the first time ever. I don't want to know of anything but this majestic life this cool, radical bear here promises; I don't want the corrupting influence of humanity to screw me up influence me all over again. This is what I want; the endless possibilities, no drama lifestyle, button up shirts and hammocks all day, everyday. OKAY, here we go:

This Paddington wannabe
Is sittin' infronna me
Like he thinks he's a king
Like inbred Lannister royalty
Mind full of nothing
Chillin' with herbal tea
As I abuse him verbally
With annunciated hyperbole.
His eyes are now empty
Unlike my cup which is tempting
Don't even know who you are bear,
You're less than a memory.

Chyea, 2015, word

First thoughts on the first sips:
Okay wow that is interesting. Not what I was expecting at all. Citrusy and follow up minty...ish(??). This tea is waaaay more assertive than that cute, nonchalant bear on the front of the box lets on. I don't like this new world. Mummy, I want to go home, rebirth me back the original way please.
It kind of slaps you in the face and wakes you up. I'm already up, not that I could sleep when my house is subzero temperatures anyway.


Many a sip later:
There is a lot going on in this tea; the vanilla sticks to the back of your throat once the acidic flavours are through with their guerrilla tactics, after you've finished breathing through the mint. The flavours come in waves: the flavours waver, I'll keep drinking I just gotta be braver, I'm a saviour, you're lamer, when the lions roll round I train the tamer, you can't touch me son; it's all gonna be mine, I'll take the kettle and give you Sleepytime®. Seriously though, it's fine. It's not the bomb, but I can see how this would actually be doubleplusgood tea in some people's opinion. To be honest, I think some of these flavours would work well with a chai blend, and some honey if you feel like cheating.


Recommendation:
Go in with expectations, and you're almost always sure to leave disappointed (barring Mad Max 3, and I'm sure the new Star Wars will be the BEST MOVIES EVER). Take this with a metaphorical grain of salt and let it settle you, alleviate your nerves, and punch you in the tongue with a caustic sneak attack (+2d6).


Final words:
Ahh damn, I got 19 tea bags to go.

Madame Flavour's Tea Treats: caramel oolong

My life has been benchmarked by several key events or decisions, each of which changed the course of my life forever:

2013

• Moving to Geelong for honours
• Once in Geelong, trying aioli for the first time

2014

• Destroyed the Pizza Bar Chilli Challenge

2015

• Accidentally started drinking tea
• Discovering halloumi cheese
• Watched Mad Max: Fury Road

Okay, okay there may have been a few more important and cromulent decisions along the way, but those are the keystone ones that have defined my life up until this point, the rest, meh.

So, today my friend Sarah decided to give me a tea, and it was Madame Flavour's Tea Treats: caramel oolong. The only Oolong I know is this guy:

I'd take bacon over a Senzu bean any day. 

and since I'm a huge fan of the bacon/caramel combo, I am quite excited.

Initial observations:
Smells kind of like caramel, and the tea bag doesn't seem to be changing the colour of the water very much. At this point, I can't be sure whether or not this tea consists of FLAVOUR YOU CAN SEE!

First thoughts on the first sips:
Oh wait, oolong isn't...pork? The tea is super weak, maybe the bag just didn't release it's contents well. The 'caramel' is unnoticeable, and the drink tastes like slightly oolonginated water.

Madam fucking Flavour and her invasive fucking notes. Na I
kid, I think they are charming, and make me want to buy a heap
more Madam Flavour teas! All because of those well-crafted,
personal notes. Thanks Madam Flavour, you're the best, and it's
all because of your notes! <3 

Many sips later:
Damn, I might have to give this another go with another tea bag just incase this one was defective, or double/triple up tea bags if it is meant to be this weak. And aww, I was really looking forward to bacon and caramel tea.


Recommendation:
Let me get back to you kids, I can't analyse what's not there *cough* GOD *cough*. Sorry, must have gone down the wrong pipe, and this Quick-Quotes Quill just writes down everything I say (with some liberties). In the mean time, here is a poem I wrote:

I make much tea,
My mug is blue,
Man I hate tea,
No more T2

Final words:
Oh what a day, what a lovely day!

Nerada Organics' Green Tea and Lemon Myrtle

Welcome back tea fans, I hope you're excited about todays entry, I sure am! It's been calling to me like a mermaid on the rocks, you know the ones with shells over their boobs, not like the Harry Potter ones, or the Peter Pan ones, not like Aquaman either...you know, I'm starting to think Mermaids are creatures I don't actually want to come across. Anyway, moving on, picking randomly from my tea hitlist drinklist, I have drawn the short straw: Nerada Organics' Green Tea and Lemon Myrtle. Sigh, we are so not going to get on well.

I bet Jedi's wouldn't even drink this, I am practically a national
hero for drinking this. Why doesn't ACU name a scholarship
after me? What? Too soon?

Initial observations:
Smells lemony fresh as window cleaner and appetising as chewing lemongrass...without teeth...and lockjaw. Need I say more?


First thoughts on the first sips:
You know that feeling when you go into your wallet full knowing all you have is more silver than a wishing fountain, and you're really hungry/not intoxicated enough to know you're intoxicated enough, and you don't know where an ATM is, yet you still reach in and double check, just in case a note got folded down the bottom. But just like you knew deep down, your fishing expedition always comes up empty, with your hands smelling like dirty, cheap silver coins. That's what I feel like right now, because not only did I come up empty when drinking this monstrosity, but I have this lemony reminder hanging around my palate like an incurable gypsy curse.

Many sips later:
I have actual tears forming in the ducts of my eyes. This is such an unpleasant feeling; where mint may thrive being the condiment to green tea's 'food' (or whatever is the true opposite to 'condiment' is), lemon is just overkill. It assaults the senses with just such an overbearing lemony glaze. I just don't understand why someone would drink this. I get that lemon myrtle is a true blue skipper bloke swagman type tea, but no amount of patriotism could convince me to drink this tea again.

This is what you're doing

This is what I want you to do

Apologies for referencing this one 

Recommendation:
"We are one, but we are many" is a deep, complex and powerful statement. The ratio of lemon myrtle in one tea bag of Nerada Organics' Green Tea and Lemon Myrtle to 250 mL of water in favour of the myrtle, is also a powerful statement. If you like overpowering citrus flavour in the form of an unsweetened liquid with tiny notes of green tea, this outback science-experiment-gone-wrong is for you, if not I'd steer clear. 


Final words:
Maybe you think I'm too harsh and that I don't give things a fair go; that the legions of tea fans and fame has gotten to my head, and I just don't 'get it' anymore. Well maybe you're right, maybe I am overly harsh, but maybe, just maybe I just want to experience human greatness, and right at this very point in time I want to experience the output of human greatness in the form of great tea. And maybe this tea I drank tonight was not a great tea, maybe this tea was objectively lacking greatness.

The fact is, anyone can do anything with mediocrity, except be great. NB: Maybe that's the where the origin of the word 'critic' comes from, for critics denounce the mediocre from the stellar. Who am I kidding, critics are assholes.

Madame Flavour's Green Jasmine and Pear

It's been an interesting past few weeks, with a whole bunch of world news happening, many things going on in politics, and new celebrity couplings...I think. I don't actually know, I just assume all these things happen in repeat over the course of two to three week blocks, like a recurring nightmare. It's important to stay up to date in topical typical topics such as these (which I obviously do) so you can relate to other humans and have some common topics to dive into when small talk goes South.

Unfortunately for most normal humans, this is a tea blog, where tea and it's pop-culture tangents are focused on and celebrated; a marginalised array of people spending time as part of the smallest, most reclusive niche group on the planet (besides the Stonecutters), this tea blog.

As I open Madame Flavour's Green Jasmine and Pear, a cute curled up little note falls out. It exclaims how the company would love to hear about my "Madame Flavour experience". Well, Madam Flavour, I'd be happy to. For the first time since putting those notes in tea boxes it is now finally going to pay off. For you see Madam, you came to the right person; one with a vast and deep knowledge of tea and all it's hints and complexities, and I will step up and point you in the right direction.

And yes, I'm sure the 'sensual infuser pod' has greatly improved my Madame Flavour experience.

Still, the note is a nice touch.

Initial observations:
Smells alright, the Jasmine ain't promising to show me a whole new world or anything, but I'm feeling a mellow vibe as I breathe this one in. I feel as though jasmine tea always does this for me, it is a very calming aroma, and when I was once angry or agitated to prove myself, I feel it stripped away. This one isn't going to be that funny, but I don't really mind.

My mind is now placid, every thought now; a gentle ripple across the unbroken glassy surface, the mist hovering just above to give an air of mystery, the snow-capped mountains stand boldly in the near-distance. My body is now ready. Take me Madame Flavour, take me gently.


First thoughts on the first sips:
The pear is more bitter than I thought it would be. Straight up, I'm going to say I'm not a fan. The pear feels unnecessary, a feeble attempt at giving this tea character. This tea is Max Keeble's big snooze. I am keen to keep drinking and follow this mofo up, if only for the soothing jasmine peaks.


Many sips later:
I love the green tea/jasmine combination, it's a subtle mixture of the two, giving you the best of both worlds, but the pear is a strange element. You know when you are talking to a group of people at a function, and there is one person who just stands around discussing tea and how they write a tea blog, and they just don't really fit in. Yeah, the pear is kind of like that. It just doesn't fit in here.


Recommendation: 
What I really want is just a simple jasmine/green tea combination. Other fruity flavours don't seem to mix well with that foundation. I really do not understand why tea companies try to make tea into something it's not. That said, I think you can have fun blends, I drink this crazy Pineapple & Grapefruit Green Tea and I totally dig it, but putting pear in this combo isn't going to convince Madame Flavour's children that she's a cool mum who's hip and knows all the cool TV shows. I take that back, happy mothers day Madame Flavour.

This tea is alright, it's alright. I don't want to encourage tea companies to make 'quirky' blends like this for a sake of quirkiness, but I am feeling really calmed, with a good sense of clarity right now, although I did donate plasma this week, so maybe it's just my body succumbing to the phantom infection that's here to claim my life.


Final words:
Well, you did ask, ma'am. Just keep it real.

Twinings' Herbal Infusions: Camomile and Spearmint

So because remakes and sequels are such a big thing right now, I thought I'd capitalize on old markets and revitalize the tea blog. I'm trying to draw in younger crowds by throwing in hip references, such as newer Simpsons quotes, BETTER AND NEWER CGI, references to new FPS games, and basically whoring out any semblance of what the original project once was. I will Ray William Johnson the shit out of this. Just like how the new X-Files 6 episode mini-season isn't about appeasing the fans with the conclusion of the fucking Mythology arc alien storyline which has been a constant 9-season thorn in my side for the last 15 years, this blog won't actually deal with any of the issues, won't even address there are problems in the first place, and won't try to be better than it should, because really, why should it get better? You tea hounds will come crawling back whether you like it or not, you just sit there, drinking your tea, talk about your chai's and T2 blends while holding back those tears as they roll down your face and plop into your brew, and you wonder why it doesn't get better. I'll tell you why, because I have really, really bad taste and really high standards. I am the last person that should critique anything, in fact my advice besides this little nugget I'm giving away right now, should be followed to the letter in every opposite way possible, that way ensuring the illusion of myself as a tea expert, and you getting roundabout recommendations.

The equation is as follows:

Good advice = Ben's advice x (-)1

Anyway, moving on, today's tea is Twinings' Herbal Infusions: Camomile and Spearmint, so let's talk about that:

HEY BEN DON'T FORGET TO COME BACK TO THIS
CAPTION LATER AND CHANGE IT INTO SOMETHING
FUNNY OR INTERESTING OKAY. IF YOU FORGET, YOU
ARE A GIANT DOUCHEBAG WHO WILL NEVER ACHIEVE
ANYTHING IN LIFE EXCEPT DYING BALD AND ALONE 

Initial observations:
Certainly smells spearminty, although nothing that's ever smelled like this and been in the form of a warm yellow liquid, has ever resulted happy endorphins being released by various mechanisms that cause my mind to experience pleasure. If you did an fMRI scan of my brain right now, the pain and danger centers would be lighting up so brightly, experts would believe the scans were taken of someone who was currently being chased across land and sea by a bear-orca hybrid.

[1] Take one guess as to how they generated the physical pain rating of 5 in
this paper. Well, they diluted this tea 1 in 1000 then made patients drink it

First thoughts on the first sips:

Wow, what a surprise. As per usual the first sip of a MINT flavoured tea is underwhelming and lives in 'meh' town, along with every other mint flavoured tea. A New Zealander would NOT describe this tea as 'munt as bru'


Many sips later:

The camomile isn't bad, but I feel it needs to be accentuated with a more intense flavour, so in other words: the spearmint is meant to be the pushup bra of this drink, but instead it's just padded the cup (boom bra pun) with toilet paper. Toilet paper fresh off the roll is actually the closest thing I can describe to the taste of camomile in general. #2ply4lyf

There are a few things I hate in this world:

1. Wearing pants
2. Any variation on mint tea
3. When you're playing CoD: Black Ops II and constantly being sniped by noobs from the Nuketown bedroom and cos you know IRL you could snipe them back so hard cos they are p*ssy n****r b*tches...and stuff
4. Any variation on mint tea.

Since this tea breaks not one, but two of the rules, it is not a good tea and deserves to be poured into a fogger at an underage Frankston rave club.

Recommendation: 

Tea should be good, tea should be a pleasure to drink,

Cos tea, just wants to be drunk
That's all it really waaaaaaaants

Do NOT drink this tea if your life goals include: happiness, discomfort avoidance, and unnecessarily wasting stomach space with things that aren't delicious.

Final words:

Oh ski ski ski ski ski ski ski (recurring)

Source:

[1] http://www.nature.com/nrn/journal/v14/n8/fig_tab/nrn3538_F3.html

Higher Living's Organic Herb Infusion - Cocoa and Chilli

My house is pretty loud at the moment, DEAFNESS ACTIVATE:

Uh..guys...I can't turn it off. HOW DO I TURN IT OFF?
Deactivate!? DEACTIVATE!!!

Today, we will be discussing motivation, life, and Higher Living's Organic Herb Infusion - Cocoa and Chilli.

Now on paper, this tea should be killer; it should be ideal and perfect, but I've got a homemade hamburger cooked by mum, and dark chocolate and strawberries on standby ready to go, when I'm inevitably pinned down by this potentially horrible brew and I need some cover fire to get my men out. I'm not leaving a single man behind! (Tastebuds = men)

Chilli you say...I'd like to see you try. Well, technically I'll
be doing the trying, but who cares, you can't talk back to
me, you're just a tea bag. So just sit there, and suck it,
you inanimate object, you can't feel anything! You can't
even go skydiving, or go-carting, or eat McDonalds. Even
the most basic human can eat McDonalds, and what can
you do? Yeah thought so, good comeback.

Initial observations:
I'll be honest, it smells pretty fetching! The chocolate smells great, but the anise and licorice overpowers it quite quickly the deeper you breathe. It's kind of like when a dog licks you, at first it's cute, then you realise your legs/face/crotch is wet and now smells like dog breath. So I guess it's not so fetching. It's all stick no carrot.

First thoughts on the first sips:

It's pretty fetch.

Okay, okay, fine; it's pretty wow, that chocolate is smashing. Being a big chocolate fan, I expected that, but it's not as direct as you think. The flavour kind of takes a slingshot loop around Gargantua to take advantage of gravity assist to try and reach Edmunds (the back of my throat) because it doesn't have enough fuel to reach my taste buds on my tongue (wat?). It really hits you on the back of the throat, and the flavour kind of sticks to the roof and back of your mouth. It's weird, but kinda nice.

Can't go over it, can't go under it, gotta go through around it.

Many sips later:
This is the part I hate about some teas; their downfall. Why do they try to overcomplicate blends with 20 million unneeded ingredients? They have a great choc-chilli base with some cool complimentary herbal ingredients (fennel, vanilla, and cinnamon), but have to complexify the tea with not only licorice, but caramom, cloves, and anise. Just like with salt, less is more with tea; why do they think that this makes the tea better?
The anise and licorice are so not welcome in my mouth right now.
I haven't yet commented on the chilli yet, but that's because I'm yet to hear back from it. I've been leaving it voicemails, texts, harassing it on Facebook, but still no answer. I just want an explanation; closure. I just want to move on, but it won't let me.

Recommendation: 
If you can put up with licorice and anise deciding to extend the house when fennel, chocolate, cinnamon, vanilla and their pet dog chilli are sleeping, give it a crack, although I've got a pack of 20 sitting on my desk at work now, so if you're really curious, just ask me for one, because god damn, I really don't want to drink 19 more.

Final words:

I really, dont want to drink 19 more, please come by and try this polarising but mainly shitty amazing and complex tea.

Retroactive reviews, me and tea

So, I just want to take a moment to reflect on the personal transformation I've gone through over the past two months: I went from drinking no tea ever, to drinking two cups a day, and it's all thanks to this tea blog. I have had some big changes in my life due to tea drinking, and I have connected with a whole new bunch of people who share a passion in tea, which I think is quite cool really. I never knew there were quite so many tea fans out there. Now when I think about the limited space in my wallet for emergency stuff, I have a dilemma: what do I make room for, a condom or a tea bag?


Retroactive reviews:
These aren't going to be the usual reviews because too much time has passed and I can't remember how I felt at each stage of my patented tea reviewing method. 

So, I am currently fascinated with that tea on the left:

They're good friends and excellent lovers

That would be Twinings Bright and Fragrant - Orange and Cinnamon. Now I haven't been cheating on the tea blog and trying teas without reviewing them, that is what this post is for; to do some retroactive reviews. This tea smells delicious, tastes as it should, and just totally makes the beginning and end of my day. Although it's a herbal tea with a rooibos base, it's got that orange fruit hint which kicks goals for me. I love orange, and the cinnamon is strong and present. Overall it's a simple blend, but works for me. 

The other tea on the right is Twinings Infusions - Camomile, Honey and Vanilla Flavoured. Honey in tea is cheating, I know, and I kind of resent myself for liking this one; its a guilty pleasure that smells great brewed, but unfortunately I don't know/remember what camomile tastes like by itself, so for now I'm going till I finish this box. Again, a simple tea that is aromatic and tastes pretty, without being sweet. That's another great thing about teas, is that they don't taste sweet; they just taste like the stuff that is in them (wat?). But it's strange tasting honey minus the sweet.

The other tea I tried was a blend, prepared by my friend Min. She mixed T2's Turkish Apple with T2's Strawberry and Cream and made an iced tea for me and herself. This was the first iced tea I've ever had, and it was alright. It was sweet, and fruity that's for sure, but it still reminded me of weak cordial. I mean it was super refreshing being cold, but I'm not sure how I feel about sweet tea with a million wanky, fruity ingredients. It kind of made me feel like a T2 altarboy, praying at the T2 church. You know when you go on their website and read their pretentious and purple-prose descriptions? T2 is overrated, expensive, conceited, but ultimately, underwhelming. Though, prove me wrong and tell me something to get and I'll give it a brew, bro (kiwi accent).


On the blog:
It's hard doing a daily tea blog; it's really tough doing a daily tea blog everyday, when your proverbial mug is already pretty full. It doesn't help that my internet is currently maxed out (figure that one out) and I am so reluctant to wait the half an hour it takes to upload a 2.4 MB picture. That said, the blog will continue (hopefully daily), because I am really enjoying trying new teas, as well as writing about them! It's so exciting, trying something new, everyday; I love that experience, that I get to try something new all the time, and I generally won't know what the outcome will be, it's a science at it's crudest!


Tea knowledge:
There are three types of teas from what I can figure out so far:

• real tea with green/black tea leaves, caffeinated, generally disgusting
• herbal teas with camomile/fennel/rooibos/jasmine etc.,
• fruit teas, which are basically weak, hot cordial. Fruit tea isn't real tea, but I support herbal teas supplemented with fruit flavourings.

Any combination is usually pretty good in my opinion: green/black with herbal or fruit flavours, or herbal with fruit flavours. Hahaha just kidding, most tea is shit, but these blends are more tolerable.
Fruit tea on it's own has no leg to stand on, and herbal teas on their own usually are bland.

The future:

I think once I have a solid knowledge-base and grounding in teas, I will start mixing teas like a pro, taking blends I like and mixing them with other ones. Also once I build up a solid foundation is favourite teas (roughly 10 - 20), I will be sending them out to people that have given me tea, because I think that is the great thing about tea; they are sharable, and now that I'm totally an expert who knows everything about tea, my opinion totally matters.

Well, that's pretty much it for today, I will hopefully be back tomorrow with a new exciting review, and with actual funny material rather than this self-absorbed, expositional bullcrap I'm sullying my tea blog with.