Pukka's cleanse

Hello fellow tea drinkers, in case you don't know me, my name is Ben, and I reluctantly drink assorted teas, then happily review them. I've been told I will eventually understand the whole tea thing, but until then, here is another buddy-adventure of me and today's partner, Pukka's cleanse.

I'll skip the obvious cleansing joke here and instead talk about
the tea bag bag design: Look at that bag with the all lowercase
font, just who do they think they are? They think that is style, class?
 Pukka I got lots of words to describe you, but 'class' isn't one of them.
How about take a tea making class. I bet you guys run good tea-makers
classes for how NOT to make good tea.

Initial observations:

I wanted to like the smell of this, but with a name like 'cleanse', I knew it was never going to happen. It smells like the lunch of a person who eats weird raw organic food. Just doesn't smell appetising at all. Oh well, at least it's going to "purify" my "skin". Well so would hydrochloric acid.

First thoughts on the first sips:

Okay, this tastes like the very first tea I ever drank when I was a wee child. This would taste good complimented with honey I can say for certain. Damn, I don't mind this actually. I had all these really nasty words in preparation on how to slam this tea, but I'm kinda digging it. This is a chill tea that doesn't promise too much, and it doesn't ask too much of you.

Many sips later:
It's not sweet, it's not overly strong, and it's not overly weak. It has a really nice balance and I'm totally craving this. This has got to be one of the first tea-like teas that I've tried and actually genuinely enjoyed. It's not too in-your-face-and-up-your-nose, and the slight mint provides a great counter to the other organic ingredients, whatever they may be. I hate that I like something with the name 'cleanse'.

Recommendation: 

I take back what I said about you Pukka, you guys make a lot of shit teas, but you this one's a winner. Although I don't feel my skin being 'purified', so you lose points for that one. Check this one out, I give it mad respect.

Final words:
I am going to look like suuuuuch a bitch when I'm walking around at work drinking 'cleanse', all lowercase.

Pukka's three mint

Instead of those potato gems, I thought I'd wash my palate clean from that cinnamon party-in-my-mouth with another tea I am not looking forward to: Pukka's three mint. I'll tell you why I'm not looking forward to this tea: mint is awesome. I have mint toothpaste, I chew Extra Gum every god damned day, and one time I tried growing a mint plant, and it was growing strong for a few months, a bushy mofo straight from the garden of Eden. You see, I was on a quest to make my own mint shampoo. Now after snipping buds, tending and watering this beautiful lush specimen, looking after it like it were my own reabsorbed twin, I come out one week to find it slightly dying. Confused, I check for bugs. Finding none, I water my potted mint plant, then head inside. A day later I come out to find it completely dead, withered and dry. I told my houselord, and he responded: 'Oh, I thought that was a weed, I sprayed the whole backyard five days ago!'. Yes he sprayed inside my pot, full of amazing mint, but despite that, I still love mint. Every company thinks they can make a decent mint tea; mint should not disappoint, ever! Yet every mint flavoured tea is weak, and just leaves me with a sad anticlimactic feeling. 

Onwards!

Here it is, liquid disappointment. It's hard to imagine such
a small cup, containing a small amount of liquid can elicit
so many great emotions from one bear-sized man. RAWR
I'M A BEAR AND BEARS DON'T HAVE FEELINGS SO WE
CAN'T GET HURT:

Initial observations:

Well since I'm in a bad mood as of this subheading due to environmental factors, I'm just going to jump straight into drinking this crap and getting it over with.

First thoughts on the first sips:

Once again, barely minty, barely worth it. This cup is just making me feel more disappointed with my pretty great life. It's actually driving me down to it's level. Brb gonna lie down in the street, hopefully the sadness will leave my mouth then.

Many sips later:
If you work for Lego or K'nex, your designs had better be up to scratch, original, creative and fun to play with. I feel like if you are in charge of creating a tea for a company, you hold a similar, great responsibility. Your tea must be good, if not you will disappoint millions of tea fans, and scare away future tea enthusiasts. This is a great charge, but let me tell you, 'creator' of Pukka's three mint, I hate you. You have ruined my day with your weak, subpar blend of 'three mints'. How can you mess up three mints? It should be thrice better than normal mint. What else have you ruined 'three mint' creator? I bet you disappoint your partner and kids, god forbid you actually procreated or found a partner. I hope you aren't around when Soylent Industries brings out it's signature product, because I just know you would screw it up and put in actual soy. Even if you fell into the Soylent Green vat you would still be ruining it. 

Creator of Pukka's 'three mint', you just made the list.

Recommendation: 

No. Although I've just realised that I've been doing this tea thing wrong; if I don't like the tea I've been thinking I'm the one at fault, when really it's the tea architect's fault. I've been blaming myself for someone else's missteps. I was saying boo-urns.

Final words:
As a final act of irony, you made the list, thrice. 

Numi's Organic Tea - Rooibos Chai

Well hello there tea lovers/people who enjoy seeing me in pain, today I have for you: Numi's Organic Tea - Rooibos Chai. Sorry about the four day break, but even tea disciples such as myself deserve a breather every now and again.

I haven't missed tea, I've gotta say, life is just as good without

Initial observations:

Smells chai-ish, whatever that is. I like the smell; it's very earthy and I'm semi excited about drinking this. That said, I'm a bit out of the tea loop at the moment and in a way I feel like a tea bag, floating around in a finite cup of water, bobbing up and down on my creators whim. I think we are all tea bags floating around, as our life soaks slowly into the ether, dissipating us into nothingness but ripples in a tea cup, half drowning, half breathing, depending on which kind of half-full/half-empty person you are.
Woah.

First thoughts on the first sips:

Nosh! I don't know what that word means, but it's how I feel right now. The nutmeggy-cinnamonish possibly rooibosish (don't actually know what it tastes like) flavour stays as the just spicy enough liquid leaves your mouth. It's pleasant, but also maybe a little too much. It's kind of like how at the time they thought that cinnamon chapstick was a good idea, and the prototype turned out to be Old Spice, which is meant for armpits. This tea would also be good for armpits! Tea with kick makes no sense to me; tea should be calming and chill, not get your blood pumping and your adrenaline firing. Tea should be as chill as mulled wine. I should start a mulled wine blog.

Actually, I take that back, I'd eat Old Spice

Many sips later:

I mean, I'm drinking it now because I've already made it, but I wouldn't make it again. I just don't get why someone would put themselves through this kind of thing; I guess it is making me look forward to my next meal, and what yum food I will be using to clear my palate; right now I'm thinking lots of tomato sauce and potato gems:

Whoever designed this tea is a frickin' idiot.


Recommendation: 

I'd recommend you something, but I don't want to breathe cinnamon fire anywhere onto your body and have you treated for chemical burns. Me talking face to face with someone right now would be like loading a shotgun shell with salt then firing it into the open chest cavity of a lung transplant patient in the operating theatre.

Final words:
30 chest compressions, 2 breaths, aaaand repeat.

Teablossoms' Fairytale

Today's tea was bestowed upon me via lucky dipping in Will's tea bag. I managed to actually get lucky, and instead of pulling out something tea-ish, I pulled out one of those fruit teas I know I generally love; they are like weak cordial, but I don't feel guilty about drinking them. The tea I got was Teablossoms' Fairytale, let's see how it goes.

I was expecting it to turn red, yellow is kind of unsettling?

Initial observations:

When brewed, smells damn good. Okay I kind of messed this up because I didn't observe it well enough beforehand before trying it, so this section is being done in retrospect, and I can't separate the flavour from the observations. 

First thoughts on the first sips:

Damn, that packs a fruity punch! I couldn't tell you which fruit, but fruit nonetheless. Kind of bitter actually. Kind of really bitter!? I was expecting sweet, like the undiluted urine of a diabetic who has been feasting on nothing but Fun Size Mars Bars all night. The bitterness drowns out the actual flavours. Wait, bitterness is a flavour, right?

Many sips later:

It's not that fruity. It's leaves a kind of citrusy jab on your tongue after every mouthful, it's quite unpleasant. It's like the salt-tequila-lemon thing without the salt and tequila, or or or it's like a Corona beer and a lemon but without the Corona. It's like eating a lemon, but remove the taste of the lemon and keep the bitterness. I mean I'll drink it, but it's pretty average to be honest.


Recommendation: 

My tongue! My tongue! Get it off my tongue! I take that back, I wouldn't drink this. If I was in Robot Hell, my ironic punishment would be to drink this tea. It actually gets worse the lower you get; the fruitiness leaves, and the bitterness increases. Why does bitterness sink to the bottom? Is bitterness heavy? All heavy things bitter in taste? Heavy metals taste bitter right? Why do I know that? If you could lick a planet, what would it taste like?

Final words:
I would say more words, but my tongue isn't liking me too much right now, so just I'll leave it th-

Nerada's Organics - Rooibos and Vanilla flavour

Today's tea is from Qian's stash she sent me. and it goes by the name of Nerada's Organics - Rooibos and Vanilla flavour. Truth is I've been dying to try this one but held off; I wanted it to be a special night, so I've turned down the lights, got my big blue mug, a warm plate of chicken risotto and listening to Rainy Mood. 

Add caption? Just try and make me.

Initial observations:

Even from the get-go, the vanilla springs right up and tickles your nostrils with anticip...I am feeling very happy right now.
With a palate now free from chicken pieces, I take my first sip:

First thoughts on the first sips:

I have been weighed, I have been measured, and I have been found wanting; I'm not worthy of this glorious tea. This must be what fairy kisses feel like! I'd never never never leave Neverland! It's light, but has the denseness that makes the vanilla so satisfying.

Many sips later:

I am chugging this like a sixth beer before church - I just wish my throat also had taste buds so I could get the most out of this transcending nectar. Too much vanilla can definitely be a bad thing, fortunately this isn't the case here and I am feeling really, swell! When you exhale, you can taste the shimmering vanilla vapour as it passes through your mouth. I feel like writing a poem after drinking this. I am just suuuper calm, relaxed and my brain is baring it's teeth, wanting to get into the fight and create some neuronal supernovas.


Recommendation: 

This is

                                                                                                 the best tea I have ever tasted. Don't eat this before a meal you think will be the main event of your night, because it will just taste cold and anticlimatic. It's like when you're all excited to upgrade to Windows 8, when in reality you're really leaving behind the you-don't-know-what-you-got-till-it's-gone Windows 7. Cherish this tea, make it count, don't be surfing down the Facebook newsfeed wave while drinking this tea; let go and become one, together. 

Final words:
...ation!

Higher Living's Ginger Kick (organic herb infusion)

So, today's tea has been kindly donated by my friend Jacqui from her own personal stash, and it is Higher Living's Ginger Kick (organic herb infusion). Now I'm no fan of ginger but...well there's nothing really else to say, I'm no fan of ginger, and I can tell I'm going to really hate this one.

Do you remember the time I knew this was a bad idea, but
I did it anyway?

Initial observations:

Oh man that thing is zesty alright, it literally is a kick up the nostrils. Have you ever kerplunked nose-first into something and you get that horrible eye-watering-snap-back-to-reality feeling? Yeah, well every breath above this tea gives you that same feeling. You know sometimes you smell the air you're breathing and you check yourself to make sure you are breathing oxygen and not a toxic ammonia cloud? This is worse for your nose than than chlorine water is for your eyes. I feel like I am going to severely regret this one, and it's the last thing I'm putting in my mouth today before I brush my teeth. Why didn't I start a cake blog?

Okay okay okay, I really need to psych myself up to even just try sipping this spicy meatball. I feel like this:

In fact, my whole tea drinking experience has been like this; tea has made me think I like it, when in reality it has taken me from my Droogs and kept me locked in a straightjacket, dropping it's liquid into my eyes, forcing me to love it. WELL IT'S NOT REAL LOVE. I MEAN IT IS REAL LOVE? I just don't know anymore, I just want to go home. If I was writing this on a page, you would see tear drops smudging my writing.

First thoughts on the first sips:

Oh that is gross. What is appealing about that? I'd rather step on a bee, that would be a more pleasant kick. I'd rather bang my shin on a coffee table, that would be a more pleasant kick. The spiciness of the ginger is just plain uncomfortable and I really, really hate this. The lemon just exacerbates the spiciness and rubs it in like salt in a wound, but more like sourness in a spiced-up taste bud. Now I love spicy food and I can really put spicy food away, but this just has no redeeming points to it.

Many sips later:

Okay after barely getting through the first sips, to be fair and true, I've now given this another go: How can something be 58% ginger? Who thought that would be a good idea? I don't even like lemon peel and ginger on their own, what was I thinking by drinking something that puts them together as the two main flavour scaffolds? Jacqui, I hate you right now; you did this on purpose. 
I am legitimately confused right now as to how this is viable as a commercial product. How can people want to buy this? It's like Eggnog is only economically feasible to produce at Christmas, this tea must only be economically feasible at certain times during the year; i.e when someone strays dangerously outside their comfort zone and tries a new strain of tea at the supermarket and are severely punished for it, or when you start a tea blog and your friend wants to mess you up real bad. 

Recommendation: 

Again, one for your enemies, one for the relatives you don't like, or one for the girl/boy you want to break up with, other than that I'd bury this one...alive...kicking and screaming...at the bottom of the ocean...on Gliese 1214 b (look it up).

Final words:

I am a shit footy player, however I won this trophy in prep:

Winning isn't everything,
but it's the only thing that matters

Despite my lacklustre and nonexistent football career, I was and still am shit at footy, however I still kick more goals than this tea.

Aunty Diane's Chai Tea - an Auntie Chai

I think all this tea is changing my digestive habits...okay moving on. Todays tea was prepared by my Auntie Diane, who has taken it upon herself to educate me on tea. She made a homemade Chai tea, for which now I am going to call an Auntie Chai.
Preparation as follows:

• 6 tsp black tea
• 1 tsp fennel seeds
• 1 cinnamon quill crumbled
• 4 bay leaves crushed
• 7 star anise flowers crumbled
• 2 - 3 grinds of black pepper
• 2 shakes of nutmeg
• 1 shake of clove powder
• 2 - 3 slices of dried root ginger
• 1 tsp cardamom pods, crushed
• Simmer for 5 minutes
• Strain through sieve into cup
• Add a dash of milk warmed
• A teaspoon of honey

Now I'm no fan of prep time and weighing stuff out in general when it comes to tea, as it usually doesn't taste good anyway, and is therefore an even bigger waste of my life, but it sure smells pretty fantastic.

You can see my feet, but please don't let that take away from
the visual. I cooould crop that out, but my tea blogging fame
has gone to my head, and I'm starting to believe my own crap;
I DON'T NEED YOU, I DON'T NEED ANYONE. I GOT HERE
ON MY OWN, YOU ARE NOTHING WITHOUT ME, I GIVE
YOUR LIVES MEANING!

The final preparations

Initial observations:

Aromatic definitely, I don't actually know what each ingredient smells like by itself but something in there sure is pleasant. I can smell the cinnamon, I know that one.

First thoughts on the first sips:

Hmm, the tea has earned a little less than it normally would thanks to the addition of milk and honey, I'm not sure if it stands on it's own two little Chai legs; the colour of money honey and all. Honey feels like cheating because I would literally drink warm milk and honey by itself; it is just a wonderful combination, hell even my shampoo has milk and honey:

WARNING! DO NOT DRINK! I know this is a tea blog, but
not all pictures are of edible things.

Many sips later:

The sweetness of the honey makes it addicting - oh, I guess a 'honeypot' metaphor doesn't work well here when the thing drawing me in is actual honey. Damn. I am like a fly to honey. Damn! A sting operation! Yes! Let's not worry about how well that one actually works. 
So, it's good, but for all the huff and puff put in at the beginning, it doesn't feel like a party in my mouth like I thought it would. That said, it's still really, really tasty and complex; there is a few flavours battling it out, kind of like three level 9 CPU Captain Falcons fighting on Kirby's Dream Land in Super Smash brothers, when there should have been four.

Recommendation: 

Yeah give it a crack, make it yourself and see how you feel. I feel like I need more honey. Brb.

The magical thing about this recipe is that you can edit it yourself, so give it a shot and see if you can hit the sweet spot (zing?).

Final words:

Thanks aunt! You are my favourite Australian aunt! Seriously though, thank you for making that one for me, it was really nice!