Tea Harvests' raspberry and vanilla rooibos

Happy weekly Saturday fellow teaple! 

So I decided today would be a great day to get up at 9 AM and go to the farmers market, despite the fact I got to bed around 4 AM. I am pretty sure I woke up drunk, or at least unburdened of a few less malfunctioning brain cells, you know, the ones that help with the whole balance and hand-eye coordination thing. At this point I can't really tell, but it doesn't really matter anyway. I should weigh myself before and after...wait, that won't tell me anything..will it? I figure with my steady and constant decline of my already feeble intelligence, it won't matter to me soon anyway. As the processing power of my brain slowly grinds to a halt, I will become happier and happier. At least this is the trend I have noticed while drinking, so I figure it's the same in real life too.

Isn't it cool that humans have an "I'M AWESOME AND INVICIBLE" magic potion called alcohol? It cleans wounds, melts inhibitions, and makes you brave enough to stick a needle into your own ey- Oh wait, that's heroin, which I guess is kinda the same thing. Still, that's pretty neato! I'm not saying do drugs, but I'm not saying don't do them either. I'm not here to tell you what to do, or aren't I? I just want to see you don't not do drugs. Confused? Am, me...too?

Aww who's that cutie-pie in the reflection? Who's that precious flower petal?
Adawwwwable little pumpkin! Yes you are, yes you are! Tehehehehehe *farts*

Hmmm:
This smells delicious. I am not going to lie, I am at half mast right now. I stand at attention and treat my superiors with respect.

No more waiting, I'm checking in

Weeeeeeee:
Dammit, that is good. That is like eating raspberry and white chocolate anything, that's what that reminds me of. If love could be freeze dried, it would taste like this. This would be amazing as an iced tea.

I guaranTEA (lel) that if soldiers in WW2 took this blend with them, and exchanged it with enemy soldiers, all would lay down their nunchucks, come up out of trenches (they still fought in trenches right?) for a spat and gumble, empty their musket powder bags into the wind, and enjoy the company of other raspberry and vanilla scented humans as they rolled cannonballs off the deck into the ocean, giggling like school children. Fighting would definitely have resumed after everyone realised there was a limited supply, but the smart ones would cut the throats of their once-enemies, now spooning partners as they sucked their thumbs in gentle slumber. As the ground runs red with bloody mud, the sound of boots squelch through the sticky mire as the ones left standing walk towards the few remaining packets of Tea Harvests' raspberry and vanilla rooibos, raising fists even against those in the same uniform.

I was going to cut myself and stand in my backyard for a picture like this, but instead I found a website where some guys shot a buffalo with a bow and arrow in what they called a 'Buffalo Field Test' [1]. I know when I need to test anything, I always put it to the 'Buffalo Field Test' because it really is an unmatched gold standard in today's modern world. 

Ahhh:
Wow, this is really good. The raspberry is so fresh and aromatic, despite being desiccated and dead for ages. Who knew death could make me feel so alive? It is just a blushing full flavour. Maybe I'm tasting the soul. Vanilla is an amazing accentuation, and rooibos for the 'tea' moniker, with their powers combined they are a radical blend. 
I am actually going to stop looking for a life partner because I've found something I want by my side forever. I would kill for this tea. STAY AWAY. GET BACK. 


Zzzzz:
OH GOD I'VE JUST REALISED I'M GOING TO RUN OUT OF IT ONE DAY. The farmers market is once a month? Are they serious? Who's idea was that? I will kil- Oh wait, they have a website: www.teaharvest.com.au, phew.




Much love all, pteace (sigh) out

Pfft:
[1] http://ospsabermaxx.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/Blood-Trail-mud.jpg

Madam Flavour's Tea Treats: Orange choc ceylon PLUS 2015 Tea season stats review

I actually drank this tea for the first time over a week ago, and I keep coming back here to write about it, but I haven't really found the words to express my thoughts on it until now. As I look back on this post before publishing it, I realise this my most intimate tea review to date. Maybe it's due to me coming around completely to tea over the past 8 months, maybe I'm just straddling that fine line between my brain being hyper-aware, basking in the aftergloam and being just that little bit sleepy, but I feel like my whole tea career culminated to this point; a sort of scientific intelligent design (wut) that would have always led me here. I don't want to say fate, but if Jeebus didn't have a hand in this, I don't know who did. That is of course, unless I wholeheartedly take responsibility for the things that happen to me, and that my own decisions and actions shape the course of my life, and that I'm not a piece of driftwood in a cosmic entity's random and convoluted tidal ebb and flow, that maybe, just maybe as I systematically drank hundreds of teas over the past 8 months, that statistically I would find a tea I truly enjoy. I've been in an 8 month long war of attrition with tea, and now I'm finally starting to reap the teawards.


Here we go:
I knew the minute I smelled the tea bags as I was opening the box that this would be a tea I would not forget. That dark and complex riff between the acidic orange and the dark, deep cocoa gave me shivers down my spine. This one's it, I can feel it: I am finally going to find a tea I legitimately want to drink over water.

If there was one thing that was going to cause me to die of a
black tea overdose, it would be this tea, and I am fully
prepared for this both emotionally and mentally.

Indirect senses:
The rehydrated tea mix is filling my room with the smell of molten chocolate, and as I lean over the tea to smell it, the tangy orange zest tickles my nostrils with giddy delight. Right now, I am so keen, and there has never been a more appropriate use of the term.


Primary tasting:
Woah, that is special. An unrelenting orange blast right to the face; this tea is an overachiever when it comes to reaching its potential. Chocolate aftertones betwixt mouthfuls, and deep cocoa aromas before going back for another sip. This tea is splendid. It is legitimately splendid. I have tears forming in my eyes right now.


Mulled thoughts:
Dark chocolate/orange is combination you either love or hate, and I'm a huge fan of the deadly fusion. It's funny how the simple blend of orange peel, cocoa beans and black tea in the right ratio will obliterate all my love for cute furry animals and have me wound up like a dentist on the ledge of the West Gate Bridge. NOTHING I DO WILL EVER ECLIPSE THE FEELING I HAVE FOR THIS TEA. WHY COME I WILL NEVER LOVE SOMETHING AS MUCH AS THIS TEA?

Another bonus about this tea is that it actually contains black tea. The blend hits a really great flavour:tea ratio and it makes it accessible to dirty, filthy casuals, as well as self-absorbed, narrow minded tea bloggers. I am PISSED this bag only comes with 10, and not an exciting number such as 20 or something in triple digits, however my search is over. This is a tea I will be buried with. I refuse to move onto the afterlife unless buried with this tea. I will haunt you all like the Holy Ghost did to Mary if I am not buried with this tea. I will go all Sleepy Hollow on you I swear on my future headless body!


Thought du final:
Now I have found my new tops tea, I can move onto my next blog; reviewing sex toys, and if I've learned anything from tea, I want to start with the biggest, and blackest ones and move downwards in intensity.

2015 Season review

With this years Teason (tea drinking season) coming to a close, let's take a look back at some of the stats and superb plays throughout this past tea-filled year:

The post season interview:

Interviewer: How are you?
BV: Err, good. Yeah, I'm good, how are you?
I: Yeah, can't complain. Let's jump right into it shall we?
BV: Yeah, let's do it.
I: So, how do you feel about your time in the tea cup this year? Do you think you accomplished what you set out to do?
BV: Well, that's a bit of a loaded question don't you think? I think I played hard this season, and I think I learned a lot. In reflection, I've had a lot of fun this year, I've developed the catalogue, gone down the rabbit hole over a hundred times and come up with a bunch of new plays, new experiences and brewed with the best of them.
I: I mean just looking at those stats, 14/100 teas and those half-baked reviews, that's not exactly tea sommelier material.
BV: Coming into this season as a fresh rookie I didn't expect as much cup time as I got, so that was good that the coaches believed in my abilities enough to put me in the cup for me to prove I could get the job done. In response to your criticism, this season was about growing the (tea)m from the ground up. We didn't have a lot of knowledge coming in, no plan or direction, just a whole list of tea candidates and one mouth to put it in. I think it's unfair to call it unsommelier-like. The half-baked review criticism I will take on the chin however, I deserve that.
I: You had a rocky start to the season way back in December.
BV: You know, at that point, it was such a dark time, I had been drinking tea for months and not liked any of it yet. It was soul crushing and the daily grind really weighed on me. Even after #30, when I finally bagged one, it still didn't feel like I was getting anywhere.
I: How did you feel about not posting a review on every tea you tried?
BV: Well, most of the time I just couldn't be bothered, you know you spend so much time with the cup; training, playing the game and staying focused, that sometimes you forget about the press and reaching out. I'd just like to formally apologize to all the fans out there that supported me the whole way, even if it felt like a one-way street sometimes.
I: How do you respond to the allegations of milk and honey supplementation?
BV: *Covers mic with hand* We talked about this, I won't be answering any questions about that.
*Producer Mac Weebly visibly concerned*
I: If you could just respond to-
BV: This interview is over, goodbye.
I: Mr Vezina, please wait. Is he leaving? Okay he is actually leaving the set. Okay everyone, umm...good job. Do we have enough Mac?
Mac: Yeah I think we got it.

Celestial Seasonings': Sleepytime Vanilla infusion

As secretly calming as Avril Lavigne's 'Complicated' usually is for me, today was not one of those days. I worked all damn day and got damn near nothing done, now my house is so damn cold I can see my own damn breath, and my damn sausage rolls are still cooking in the oven and I'm real damn hungry. UPDATE: So after checking on my sausage rolls, turns out I burned the damn things, but it's all good, because they are still uncooked in the...oh whatever, you know what? I don't have the emotional fortitude to deal with this at the moment:

Maybe I'll look back at this and laugh. YEAH MORE LIKE
LOOK BACK AT THIS WITH AN EMPTY STOMACH! YOU
FAILED ME OVEN, YOU HAD ONE ROLL (ROLE - geddit) 

But, you didn't come here to hear me complain about things, you came here to hear me complain specifically, about commercial tea, and I want to, but my fingers are cold. Well buckle up son, 'cos life ain't meant to always be easy and it's ain't always meant to be fun, and tea is a great example of that.

Todays tea is Celestial Seasonings': Sleepytime Vanilla infusion. Mmmm, well that's a lie, because right now it's the only tea I own, so it's also tomorrow's tea, and also 18 days after that.


Initial observations:
The box of tea smells great: minty, vanilla...ish(?), and it has a picture of a cute bear is taking a nap. All is well in this universe. I want to be unbirthed, then rebirthed into this idyllic world for the first time ever. I don't want to know of anything but this majestic life this cool, radical bear here promises; I don't want the corrupting influence of humanity to screw me up influence me all over again. This is what I want; the endless possibilities, no drama lifestyle, button up shirts and hammocks all day, everyday. OKAY, here we go:

This Paddington wannabe
Is sittin' infronna me
Like he thinks he's a king
Like inbred Lannister royalty
Mind full of nothing
Chillin' with herbal tea
As I abuse him verbally
With annunciated hyperbole.
His eyes are now empty
Unlike my cup which is tempting
Don't even know who you are bear,
You're less than a memory.

Chyea, 2015, word

First thoughts on the first sips:
Okay wow that is interesting. Not what I was expecting at all. Citrusy and follow up minty...ish(??). This tea is waaaay more assertive than that cute, nonchalant bear on the front of the box lets on. I don't like this new world. Mummy, I want to go home, rebirth me back the original way please.
It kind of slaps you in the face and wakes you up. I'm already up, not that I could sleep when my house is subzero temperatures anyway.


Many a sip later:
There is a lot going on in this tea; the vanilla sticks to the back of your throat once the acidic flavours are through with their guerrilla tactics, after you've finished breathing through the mint. The flavours come in waves: the flavours waver, I'll keep drinking I just gotta be braver, I'm a saviour, you're lamer, when the lions roll round I train the tamer, you can't touch me son; it's all gonna be mine, I'll take the kettle and give you Sleepytime®. Seriously though, it's fine. It's not the bomb, but I can see how this would actually be doubleplusgood tea in some people's opinion. To be honest, I think some of these flavours would work well with a chai blend, and some honey if you feel like cheating.


Recommendation:
Go in with expectations, and you're almost always sure to leave disappointed (barring Mad Max 3, and I'm sure the new Star Wars will be the BEST MOVIES EVER). Take this with a metaphorical grain of salt and let it settle you, alleviate your nerves, and punch you in the tongue with a caustic sneak attack (+2d6).


Final words:
Ahh damn, I got 19 tea bags to go.

Madame Flavour's Tea Treats: caramel oolong

My life has been benchmarked by several key events or decisions, each of which changed the course of my life forever:

2013

• Moving to Geelong for honours
• Once in Geelong, trying aioli for the first time

2014

• Destroyed the Pizza Bar Chilli Challenge

2015

• Accidentally started drinking tea
• Discovering halloumi cheese
• Watched Mad Max: Fury Road

Okay, okay there may have been a few more important and cromulent decisions along the way, but those are the keystone ones that have defined my life up until this point, the rest, meh.

So, today my friend Sarah decided to give me a tea, and it was Madame Flavour's Tea Treats: caramel oolong. The only Oolong I know is this guy:

I'd take bacon over a Senzu bean any day. 

and since I'm a huge fan of the bacon/caramel combo, I am quite excited.

Initial observations:
Smells kind of like caramel, and the tea bag doesn't seem to be changing the colour of the water very much. At this point, I can't be sure whether or not this tea consists of FLAVOUR YOU CAN SEE!

First thoughts on the first sips:
Oh wait, oolong isn't...pork? The tea is super weak, maybe the bag just didn't release it's contents well. The 'caramel' is unnoticeable, and the drink tastes like slightly oolonginated water.

Madam fucking Flavour and her invasive fucking notes. Na I
kid, I think they are charming, and make me want to buy a heap
more Madam Flavour teas! All because of those well-crafted,
personal notes. Thanks Madam Flavour, you're the best, and it's
all because of your notes! <3 

Many sips later:
Damn, I might have to give this another go with another tea bag just incase this one was defective, or double/triple up tea bags if it is meant to be this weak. And aww, I was really looking forward to bacon and caramel tea.


Recommendation:
Let me get back to you kids, I can't analyse what's not there *cough* GOD *cough*. Sorry, must have gone down the wrong pipe, and this Quick-Quotes Quill just writes down everything I say (with some liberties). In the mean time, here is a poem I wrote:

I make much tea,
My mug is blue,
Man I hate tea,
No more T2

Final words:
Oh what a day, what a lovely day!

Nerada Organics' Green Tea and Lemon Myrtle

Welcome back tea fans, I hope you're excited about todays entry, I sure am! It's been calling to me like a mermaid on the rocks, you know the ones with shells over their boobs, not like the Harry Potter ones, or the Peter Pan ones, not like Aquaman either...you know, I'm starting to think Mermaids are creatures I don't actually want to come across. Anyway, moving on, picking randomly from my tea hitlist drinklist, I have drawn the short straw: Nerada Organics' Green Tea and Lemon Myrtle. Sigh, we are so not going to get on well.

I bet Jedi's wouldn't even drink this, I am practically a national
hero for drinking this. Why doesn't ACU name a scholarship
after me? What? Too soon?

Initial observations:
Smells lemony fresh as window cleaner and appetising as chewing lemongrass...without teeth...and lockjaw. Need I say more?


First thoughts on the first sips:
You know that feeling when you go into your wallet full knowing all you have is more silver than a wishing fountain, and you're really hungry/not intoxicated enough to know you're intoxicated enough, and you don't know where an ATM is, yet you still reach in and double check, just in case a note got folded down the bottom. But just like you knew deep down, your fishing expedition always comes up empty, with your hands smelling like dirty, cheap silver coins. That's what I feel like right now, because not only did I come up empty when drinking this monstrosity, but I have this lemony reminder hanging around my palate like an incurable gypsy curse.

Many sips later:
I have actual tears forming in the ducts of my eyes. This is such an unpleasant feeling; where mint may thrive being the condiment to green tea's 'food' (or whatever is the true opposite to 'condiment' is), lemon is just overkill. It assaults the senses with just such an overbearing lemony glaze. I just don't understand why someone would drink this. I get that lemon myrtle is a true blue skipper bloke swagman type tea, but no amount of patriotism could convince me to drink this tea again.

This is what you're doing

This is what I want you to do

Apologies for referencing this one 

Recommendation:
"We are one, but we are many" is a deep, complex and powerful statement. The ratio of lemon myrtle in one tea bag of Nerada Organics' Green Tea and Lemon Myrtle to 250 mL of water in favour of the myrtle, is also a powerful statement. If you like overpowering citrus flavour in the form of an unsweetened liquid with tiny notes of green tea, this outback science-experiment-gone-wrong is for you, if not I'd steer clear. 


Final words:
Maybe you think I'm too harsh and that I don't give things a fair go; that the legions of tea fans and fame has gotten to my head, and I just don't 'get it' anymore. Well maybe you're right, maybe I am overly harsh, but maybe, just maybe I just want to experience human greatness, and right at this very point in time I want to experience the output of human greatness in the form of great tea. And maybe this tea I drank tonight was not a great tea, maybe this tea was objectively lacking greatness.

The fact is, anyone can do anything with mediocrity, except be great. NB: Maybe that's the where the origin of the word 'critic' comes from, for critics denounce the mediocre from the stellar. Who am I kidding, critics are assholes.

Madame Flavour's Green Jasmine and Pear

It's been an interesting past few weeks, with a whole bunch of world news happening, many things going on in politics, and new celebrity couplings...I think. I don't actually know, I just assume all these things happen in repeat over the course of two to three week blocks, like a recurring nightmare. It's important to stay up to date in topical typical topics such as these (which I obviously do) so you can relate to other humans and have some common topics to dive into when small talk goes South.

Unfortunately for most normal humans, this is a tea blog, where tea and it's pop-culture tangents are focused on and celebrated; a marginalised array of people spending time as part of the smallest, most reclusive niche group on the planet (besides the Stonecutters), this tea blog.

As I open Madame Flavour's Green Jasmine and Pear, a cute curled up little note falls out. It exclaims how the company would love to hear about my "Madame Flavour experience". Well, Madam Flavour, I'd be happy to. For the first time since putting those notes in tea boxes it is now finally going to pay off. For you see Madam, you came to the right person; one with a vast and deep knowledge of tea and all it's hints and complexities, and I will step up and point you in the right direction.

And yes, I'm sure the 'sensual infuser pod' has greatly improved my Madame Flavour experience.

Still, the note is a nice touch.

Initial observations:
Smells alright, the Jasmine ain't promising to show me a whole new world or anything, but I'm feeling a mellow vibe as I breathe this one in. I feel as though jasmine tea always does this for me, it is a very calming aroma, and when I was once angry or agitated to prove myself, I feel it stripped away. This one isn't going to be that funny, but I don't really mind.

My mind is now placid, every thought now; a gentle ripple across the unbroken glassy surface, the mist hovering just above to give an air of mystery, the snow-capped mountains stand boldly in the near-distance. My body is now ready. Take me Madame Flavour, take me gently.


First thoughts on the first sips:
The pear is more bitter than I thought it would be. Straight up, I'm going to say I'm not a fan. The pear feels unnecessary, a feeble attempt at giving this tea character. This tea is Max Keeble's big snooze. I am keen to keep drinking and follow this mofo up, if only for the soothing jasmine peaks.


Many sips later:
I love the green tea/jasmine combination, it's a subtle mixture of the two, giving you the best of both worlds, but the pear is a strange element. You know when you are talking to a group of people at a function, and there is one person who just stands around discussing tea and how they write a tea blog, and they just don't really fit in. Yeah, the pear is kind of like that. It just doesn't fit in here.


Recommendation: 
What I really want is just a simple jasmine/green tea combination. Other fruity flavours don't seem to mix well with that foundation. I really do not understand why tea companies try to make tea into something it's not. That said, I think you can have fun blends, I drink this crazy Pineapple & Grapefruit Green Tea and I totally dig it, but putting pear in this combo isn't going to convince Madame Flavour's children that she's a cool mum who's hip and knows all the cool TV shows. I take that back, happy mothers day Madame Flavour.

This tea is alright, it's alright. I don't want to encourage tea companies to make 'quirky' blends like this for a sake of quirkiness, but I am feeling really calmed, with a good sense of clarity right now, although I did donate plasma this week, so maybe it's just my body succumbing to the phantom infection that's here to claim my life.


Final words:
Well, you did ask, ma'am. Just keep it real.

Twinings' Herbal Infusions: Camomile and Spearmint

So because remakes and sequels are such a big thing right now, I thought I'd capitalize on old markets and revitalize the tea blog. I'm trying to draw in younger crowds by throwing in hip references, such as newer Simpsons quotes, BETTER AND NEWER CGI, references to new FPS games, and basically whoring out any semblance of what the original project once was. I will Ray William Johnson the shit out of this. Just like how the new X-Files 6 episode mini-season isn't about appeasing the fans with the conclusion of the fucking Mythology arc alien storyline which has been a constant 9-season thorn in my side for the last 15 years, this blog won't actually deal with any of the issues, won't even address there are problems in the first place, and won't try to be better than it should, because really, why should it get better? You tea hounds will come crawling back whether you like it or not, you just sit there, drinking your tea, talk about your chai's and T2 blends while holding back those tears as they roll down your face and plop into your brew, and you wonder why it doesn't get better. I'll tell you why, because I have really, really bad taste and really high standards. I am the last person that should critique anything, in fact my advice besides this little nugget I'm giving away right now, should be followed to the letter in every opposite way possible, that way ensuring the illusion of myself as a tea expert, and you getting roundabout recommendations.

The equation is as follows:

Good advice = Ben's advice x (-)1

Anyway, moving on, today's tea is Twinings' Herbal Infusions: Camomile and Spearmint, so let's talk about that:

HEY BEN DON'T FORGET TO COME BACK TO THIS
CAPTION LATER AND CHANGE IT INTO SOMETHING
FUNNY OR INTERESTING OKAY. IF YOU FORGET, YOU
ARE A GIANT DOUCHEBAG WHO WILL NEVER ACHIEVE
ANYTHING IN LIFE EXCEPT DYING BALD AND ALONE 

Initial observations:
Certainly smells spearminty, although nothing that's ever smelled like this and been in the form of a warm yellow liquid, has ever resulted happy endorphins being released by various mechanisms that cause my mind to experience pleasure. If you did an fMRI scan of my brain right now, the pain and danger centers would be lighting up so brightly, experts would believe the scans were taken of someone who was currently being chased across land and sea by a bear-orca hybrid.

[1] Take one guess as to how they generated the physical pain rating of 5 in
this paper. Well, they diluted this tea 1 in 1000 then made patients drink it

First thoughts on the first sips:

Wow, what a surprise. As per usual the first sip of a MINT flavoured tea is underwhelming and lives in 'meh' town, along with every other mint flavoured tea. A New Zealander would NOT describe this tea as 'munt as bru'


Many sips later:

The camomile isn't bad, but I feel it needs to be accentuated with a more intense flavour, so in other words: the spearmint is meant to be the pushup bra of this drink, but instead it's just padded the cup (boom bra pun) with toilet paper. Toilet paper fresh off the roll is actually the closest thing I can describe to the taste of camomile in general. #2ply4lyf

There are a few things I hate in this world:

1. Wearing pants
2. Any variation on mint tea
3. When you're playing CoD: Black Ops II and constantly being sniped by noobs from the Nuketown bedroom and cos you know IRL you could snipe them back so hard cos they are p*ssy n****r b*tches...and stuff
4. Any variation on mint tea.

Since this tea breaks not one, but two of the rules, it is not a good tea and deserves to be poured into a fogger at an underage Frankston rave club.

Recommendation: 

Tea should be good, tea should be a pleasure to drink,

Cos tea, just wants to be drunk
That's all it really waaaaaaaants

Do NOT drink this tea if your life goals include: happiness, discomfort avoidance, and unnecessarily wasting stomach space with things that aren't delicious.

Final words:

Oh ski ski ski ski ski ski ski (recurring)

Source:

[1] http://www.nature.com/nrn/journal/v14/n8/fig_tab/nrn3538_F3.html