Netball review: the yams

Often in life, there are unique moments of elementary genius that revolutionise things. When the game of basketball started, the game was stopped every time the ball was scored and a ladder-wielding janitor would take to the skies to rescue the ball. It took a simple, holeproof idea of cutting out the bottom of the basket for ball to really start rolling and the game to start picking up [2]...and I guess for a janitor to lose his job (automation's been taking names and taking jobs since 1891). 


Unfortunately the bastardization of basketball into the corrupt pastime that is netball was stepping (lulz ironically using netball lingo) in the wrong direction.

Sport is meant to be fun, but netball is just a game of prison. Ever wonder why criminals play basketball, not netball in jail? It's a prison with hardcourt paint and whistles instead of bars and armed guards. I've never felt so frustrated with restriction in my life, except for when SmaI won't do it's fucking job.

Actually, it does kind of remind you of prison bars, more like
cell blocks actually [3].

Most of the time, my defensive position was: *sigh* followed by a shoulder slump and sadfacing the ground. See, I can stick to my opponent like glue, but it doesn't matter because if they do get the ball, now I'm obstructing, because I am standing inside their fairy ring of protection:

This is me, dealing with the well-thought out, balanced, non-arbitrary rules of netball [1]

I am left paralysed, not allowed to raise my arms up, or put off my opponent in any way, nullifying my defensive presence, all because I got "too close"when they had the ball they got the ball when I was "too close". Then they take a big-ass cheeky one-point-five steps right past me and drop it in the bucket, while I stand and watch, helpless, passive, and dead inside.


People believe in, and do a lot of dumb things en masse, but netball may be the dumbest thing participated in by the masses. As I sit on the sideline, wincing every time I hear the whistle (as a deaf crunt, I probably miss most of the whistles too), I wonder: if an umpire has to blow the whistle that frequently during the game, isn't that a sign that the game is broken; a constant, high-pitched reminder that what you're doing isn't right? 

To break down why the whistle blows so often, we have to look at the rules and why they are being broken. I can sum it up really quickly: the rules that are broken often are stupid. You can now skip this paragraph if you want.
It doesn't make any sense why some of the rules exist. Why can't I throw a ball over a third of the court? That makes no sense whatsoever. I don't care about everyone touching the ball, I just want my team to score goals. Why can't I actually defend my defender and take the ball from them? Why can't I get up in their grill and put pressure on them. Why is my defensive presence nullified if I am standing too close? The only way I can justify these rules is to make it harder for defenders. What's the point in the three-second holding the ball rule, if there is no real pressure on the ball holder? Why can't you move out of your position and cover another part of the court? The rules are so unforgiving and stringent that it makes tactics formulaic and predictable, yet I find it hard to do anything about it because of defender restrictions.

• Want to steal the ball from your opponent? NOPE. 
• Want to put even a modicum of pressure on a standstill opponent and get in their face? NOPE
• Want to man-up and not just look for intercepts? NOPE
• Want to lob a ball over the court for a quick goal? NOPE

The restrictions put on netball takes all the best parts about basketball; the dynamic and interactive elements and removes them from play. No stealing, no actual defence, no contact, no long distance fast plays, and replaces it with a magical ring of protection (+ 1 DEF) and nonstop whistleblowing, but not the good, Edward Snowden kind. 

Having the ball gives you one of these, sadly it's a three second
temporary buff [4]

To sum up my netball review: this is a game that penalises you for actively participating for attempting to stop your opponent from scoring. Almost like a fun, loving game of take-it-in-turnsies.



That said, maybe I just suck at netball rules. Maybe netball rules suck and I rule. Who knows. All I know is The Yams, are better off without me. Yamspeed, and good luck yamigos.

References

[1] http://i.imgur.com/rtpxva2.gif

[2] http://www.rarenewspapers.com/view/206238

[3] http://www.sports.det.nsw.edu.au/sportsedu/resources/rules/media/court.gif

[4] https://img0.etsystatic.com/034/1/6569665/il_570xN.615379018_a1fj.jpg

Bondi Review: the bondi contradiction

Have you ever been in the ocean all day, or bounced on a trampoline for hours, then when you go to sleep that night you can still feel all the motions, as if you were still there? That's what my Bondi experience was like. My body got used to the embrace, and I'm having a sort of phantom withdrawal.

'What is Bondi?'
The truth is, I'm not really qualified to answer that, because I didn't really see all that much of it, but truthfully, it doesn't really matter.

I spent a weekend there that went a little too quickly and was a little too brief.
What is Bondi? Bondi is just a place, albeit a place peppered with interesting characters, but a place that doesn't feel like it's on Earth; ironic for a place obsessed with surface. Double the shirtless men you'd find at St Kilda, half the bicycle helmets, and all the organic, raw and/or vegan products than you can shake your jam jar milkshake at.

I felt like little Alice at the Mad Hatter's tea party, almost like this stellar weekend was a sitch in time that only existed within the realm of Bondi, and nowhere else acknowledged it's occurrence. Surreal, it was surreal.

If a wave crashes in Bondi, does the world know it happened? Or to put it simply: The Bondi Contradiction.

They say that people make the experience, and my stupidly positive review is a product of my company. Bondi is a place where you can practically go nowhere with someone, see basically nothing together, but somehow still define the place as something exotic, alien and charming in it's casualness. The Bondi Contradiction in solid form.

I was licked with cold, well-spaced rain in warm, humid air as lightning scattered locals and tourists alike, with the added persistent assistance of the 'if you drown, you can only blame yourself' attitude booming from megaphones held by retreating lifeguards. Yep, Bondi is a strange, amazing place; a portmanteauown that both tickles me with potential and leaves me feeling like I'm not missing anything at all. The Bondi Contradiction leaves me with a thought: were it not for the real world, I might forget about leaving.

There's only one reason to go back, and it's the same reason I wouldn't; it all depends on whether or not I'm invited. The Bondi Contradiction's presence is felt once again.





Bondi, where beach rules apply: leave everything how you found it, take everything you brought. 


Ciaoabunga

Dr Stuart's Liver Detox

Today I'm going to talk about heroes. Heroes are important, I think. They have been instrumental in my self-construction of the person I am today. I suppose a lot of things have, such as the industrialisation and exploitative commercialisation of the dairy industry, the cancellation of Firefly, and my Mac's ability to scroll through inactive windows.

Heroes aren't players that score a game-winner before the buzzer, or who dive in front of someone to take the bullet. Heroes are the defenders who prevent goals consistently by locking out a potentially scoring player from getting involved. Heroes are the educators who teach people about smoke alarms and to stop drop and roll. People involved with prevention and mitigation are the most important, the 'heroes' just get all the glory when it was a team effort from the start. Heroes are often not the people you expect. Who would have thought a lowly astromech droid such as R2-D2 would become arguably the most important figure in a galaxy far, far away?

Let's take a moment to appreciate what support bars do for us. [1]

This brings me to todays tea: Dr Stuart's Liver Detox. This was given to me by a chum(p) known as Sam. She described it as 'gross', or something. I don't remember exactly what she said. The important thing, is that she gave it to me for free. The point is, heroes can sometimes be critics, who tell you what not to do. Roger Ebert is someone I consider a hero, he always knew whether or not a film would be wasting my life. We only get a short time in this life, why waste it on things that aren't worth your time? Especially if you have the luxury of choice; not many do, you'd be crazy to waste your opportunity. I'm not saying I'm a hero for reviewing tea, but I'm not saying I'm not one either.

Something tells me I'm going to want to detox this as soon as I taste it.

What the hell is that smell?:
Oh shit, I'm going to go open my door and make sure I have ventilation in this room. Oh god. The same rules apply here as they do when cleaning with bleach and ammonia together. It smells like burning tires, and what I imagine Bubblegloop Swamp to smell like. Ingredients: Dandelion root, centaury herb and milk thistle. Oh god. What have I done?

I picked a lot of thistles in my 500 hours of Skyrim. Worth iiiiiiit.

Tentative first taste:
I really don't want to try this. Interesting fact: While waiting for the tea to cool, I was googling the milk thistle, like the ones I used to pick in Skyrim. The Milk thistle actually cause death to ruminants (cows, sheep, your mum) via oxygen deprivation due to levels of potassium nitrate metabolites binding to haemoglobin, blocking oxygen binding and the red blood cells' ability to transport oxygen. 

Okay Ben, just do it. You can do it. Brb. Okay fine. I can do this.



Oh fuck. This is the worst thing I've ever drank. I have tears in my eyes. My face is screwed up, oh my god. All my saliva is tainted! I don't care about my liver anymore; I want tequila to wash this down. Here is a video I have made of my initial reaction. 

Somebody kill me please:
Do not drink this. Curse you Sam. A plague on your house. You are the opposite of a hero. Nothing could have prepared me for this.


No:



Horses:
[1] http://www.pmrr.org/Structures/BasculeBridge/photo09.jpg

T2's Cool As A Cucumber (chocolate)

Apparently I'm now branching out into tea-flavoured things. You really need to lower your expectations teaple, because I'll use any excuse to try anything tea related now. DO YOU SEE WHAT TEA HAS DONE TO ME? I'm like a crack addict, trying to find fresh veins, or new things to cut it with. 

Me now (November 29th, 2015). Pfft, pretty boy.

Me in 2 years. [1] 
'No teeth-grazes means a happy customer.'

T2's Cool As A Cucumber chocolate was gifted to me by a lovely person, and I am eternally grateful. Let me be clear, this is a tea flavoured chocolate block.


Through the eyeglass and Smelloscope:
Well, it certainly looks like chocolate, smells like chocolate, and I'm going to assume it tastes like chocolate. If it doesn't, I'm going to be so let down. Still no hint of the fabled tea contained within. 

Packaging, so you know what to look for/avoid.
Cool. Cool cool cool. 

I've got a theory we should work this out
this probably won't last long.

This is such a pretentious block of chocolate, starring the likes of: vanilla pods, white hibiscus (quite), roasted chicory root (oh, at least it's roasted), cucumber, lemongrass, woodruff (wait, what?), apple, eucalyptus leaves, sweet blackberry leaves (thank god they're sweet), melon pieces, lime, lemon myrtle, sunflower petals (oh come on, seriously?) and raspberry pieces. 
This BLOCKbuster (tehehe)

LAUGH DAMMIT!

I SAID LAUGH! 

will most likely be comparable to Ocean's 12, despite the star-studded cast. 


The very first 'first bite of segment' segment of the tlog:
Brb toilet.
Back. 
Okay so, wow, that is interesting. It is really complex. Some of the flavours are contained in these little hard granules that feel like you're chewing sand. It's kind of like eating crab; you don't want to be eating little shell flakes, but crab meat is so damn tasty you'll do it anyway.

• For you vegetarians: it's like eating fish that contains small bones.
• For you real vegetarians, it's like eating a potato fresh from the soil without washing it.
• For you vegans: see vegetarian, but the potato hasn't been grown in a crop-rotated field that included animals

Man, if only I had an enzyme to digest cellulose with! Oh well... [2]

Dark chocolate is amazing, and if you don't like it, don't buy this. It is richer than a Rothschild and to be honest, I can't actually taste many/any of the flowery and neverending list of grandiose premium ingredients. It just tastes like chocolate with a weird little indescribable taste, and a grainy texture.
It's good, don't get me wrong, just seems unnecessary, like the Kardasishns (yes I have made a spelling error, but out of principal and fear of being called a hypocrite, I refuse to fix it, to prove just how little it matters, and because you all know who I am talking about anyway).

Ahh, sweet, sweet woodruff. Weight, is it the
flowers or the leaves? [3]

A reductionist's approach here would be useful.
I seriously can't imagine some 'food engineer' tasting this chocolate and going: 'Hmmmm, it's missing something. Hmmmmmmmm. Wait, I know! Woodruff! Ahh, now it's perfect'.


The rest of the block:
Okay this is awkward: the chocolate is already gone. I wasn't really prepared for this and before I realised it, I had eaten all of it. I feel really sad right now. It never stood a chance...I, never stood a chance. Thank god I just ate chocolate, otherwise I'd be really sad I don't have any more chocolate...oh wait.


Thoughtlessness:
Look, the volume is small, it's most likely expensive, but it's good. I recommend trying it, because it was delicious, but seriously, get over yourself right after you do eat it.


Le ref:
[1] http://images2.fanpop.com/image/photos/14000000/Gollum-Smeagol-smeagol-gollum-14076888-960-403.jpg
[2] https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/c/c9/HaworthStrukturCellulose.jpg/800px-HaworthStrukturCellulose.jpg
[3] http://schmidling.com/woodruff.jpg

planet organic's Female Balance

Hey teaple, how you iz? So I like to think I am quite in touch with my more feminine side, but sometimes I'll admit I'm off my game. Yesterday, some snatch subtly hinted to me that I should give it a fine tuning by giving me this tea, so today's tea is planet organic's Female Balance. The cooter muffin might be right: let's drink this bitch.

I don't need balance, I need MORE POWER. 

At first glance:

Lemongrass, not a fan. Herbal teas are usually great, no caffeine, snazzy and cute ingredients, but I don't really understand why this is just for women. Wanna talk about 'equality' and 'balance'? Equality is for rubes, and balance is for gymnasts. Also I'm so glad it's organic, otherwise I'd feel just...terrible. No fairtrade? Oh goodness gracious me! Pfft. Pffffft.

No caption needed [1].








Okay fine: This is my pfft, novel-writing, and sex face. It's also my 'Ewwwww,
lemongrass face'.

Sips:

Oh dang, this be some sweet, sweet tang. Licorice is the bomb! The aftertaste is a craymazing fusion of the zesty lemongrass and the sweet, sweet licorice. It's sOVARY good. Does anyone need a hug? 

Are YOU okay, sincerely? 

It's seriously going to be okay, if you want to talk, I want to listen.

I am feeling very supportive right now, and I want you to know that. A seed has sprouted, and I await it's fruits with a humbled presence.  

Downing it:

Okay, I am digging this tea: a luscious rainforest now grows within my heart which was once filled with earthy abandon (flowery prose hey?). Aren't girls the best? God damn, they are just the best. I don't know where I'd be without them, but I am so thankful for all the women in my life; that choose to grace me with their presence. Now that I'm a big boy, and I learned I can choose friends, I have tried to surround myself with people I respect, and whose company I enjoy, and I'm so glad many of them are guuuuurls. 

I know equality is a big thing right now worldwide for women, rightly so; the idea of treating all the womenz as people seems to be hard to understand. Respect shouldn't be earned, it should be assumed.

Oh right, I almost forgot: this is a tea blog. The tea's good, get it.

Afterthought/s:

Balance is such an important part of life; for your diet, work vs play, and male to female ratios in China. Be thankful for equilibrioception and your vestibulo-ocular reflexes. Thank your ancestors by drinking this tea, and have a good think about the ones you choose as your people blanket. Please don't use a real people blanket, it's a metaphor. I don't want this blog connected with a string of murders involving skinned victims.

Final werds:

Great, I'm now realising how much I miss Buffy, and Veronica Mars, and Gilmore Girls, and The Good Wife. Thank old gods and the new, for Jessica Jones.

I don't want to have to explain that I was being suuuper ironic at the top of this tlog, demonstrating the 'transformation' I underwent due to the consumption of planet organic's Female Balance, so I'm not going to.

Referential potential:

[1] http://i1.wp.com/www.psyourdogcalled.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/dog-sticking-tongue-out.jpg?fit=830%2C9999

Letter to Greg Behrendt and Dave Anthony

Not a tea blog entry, but since I have no other platform, I shall post this here:


I want to talk about the podcast Walking the Room, and what it means to me. Being late to the game and first listening this year, I had a lot to catch up on. I’ll start with a quick anecdote: My friend at uni got me into WTR in 2015, and I was listening to it at a furious rate, burning through episode after episode. I work in a lab, so I turn it on in my headphones and listen. I was listening to the start of an episode and was singing along to the old WTR song loudly. My supervisor comes into the room and says: ‘Do you listen to Walking the Room?’.

I should just start off by saying that I have listened to a LOT of podcasts, and this isn’t your average Cuddle; it explores human nature through the vulnerability of a friendship, and brings us along for the rollercoaster.

What’s most remarkable about WTR is its sincerity. Humans repeat stories, they contradict themselves, they are hypocritical, and these are all shown throughout the tenure of WTR. It really is a special journey one gets to take with two very close human beings. I am flattered you invited us into the closet to hear about your lives and relationships. To explore a friendship so intimately is such a rare thing, and to see it in sliver-like cross-sections over a long period of time is such a treat.  I’ve beared witness to how you and your friend lean on, support, poke fun at, and humour each other throughout the highs and lows of life. Being funny in the face of adversity doesn’t have to be done alone, and owning your bullshit can be cathartic and therapeutic for both listener and speaker.

You guys are inherently creative people and the love the creative process. It is such a fun thing listening to you guys develop ideas, which turn into running jokes over time, watching them evolve into something crazier and more preposterous. Sometimes I just sit there in amazement and wonder what went through your minds for the idea to end up where it did. Even though WTR has been about fans, it’s never been about the fans; it’s always been about the real, visceral friendship between you two.

Often the most touching moments are when it’s just you two talking, whether it’s worrying about your kids, future, or talking about social issues. You two are deeply caring people (as much as Dave wouldn’t like to admit it), and you guys create small moments that I’m glad I was there to hear.

The greatest thing about Walking the Room is that it’s not a “success story”, it’s just real life. Life is hard, and it doesn’t end like a movie. WTR personifies this, and doesn’t coddle us with bullshit, or wrap things up in an oversimplified way. You guys delve into the complex and the unpleasant, and often leave it on a sombre note. So I want to thank you for that.

I want to thank you for the company, for the content, for being yourselves and allowing me the privilege of listening.

The nasty, dark, twisted, vulnerable, sweet, real and so-very-human swan-song to friendship, that’s Walking the Room.

*cue opening theme music*

Tea blog: origins. Also tea harvest's japanese dew

Hey teaple, I thought I'd start this post off by telling you about how all this began; how this tea blog came about. I wanted to describe how my initial fascination with tea was kindled, and is now a raging fire, which has consequently led me to today's tea, and how much I appreciate it, when I know I wouldn't have 10 months ago. Also I want to say there is a Lost spoiler in this post, so scroll with caution inevitable Lostaholics.

As a human-created artificially intelligent robot, human, or human-creating god, you will have several moments or significant events that redefine your life into two categories: pre-x and post-x. (My higher deity readership is quite high, so I feel it's about time I acknowledge my audience). Shout out to my main man Hurley, Overlord and Protector of the Island.

My experience with tea was a significant one. As a non-tea drinker for the first 23 years of my life, or as I like to call it: pre-tea, I had only 2 - 3 brushes with it, but I hated it with a tea-phobic vengeance. I hated it with the bitterness that it went down my throat with for the first time.

Tea consumption over my lifetime measured in Cups Per Day (CPD). You
can see a slight elevation in 2014, value of 0.0328767123287671 CPD, as I started
drinking tea in the last half of December 2014. Future predictions have me hitting 4
CPD until I peak at 15 CPD in 2019. I'm pretty sure this will end in death. My death.
As seen in the 2020 predictions.

Normally, your first experience with something should be good, just like if you are driving, learning maths, taking meth, drinking, or having sex for the first time. You want someone who knows what they are doing, to guide you patiently without judgement. You want someone who will let you know it's going to be okay, and that it will get better and you will get better. That's why most people hate maths; because they had uncaring teachers who don't know how to communicate or nurture effectively, and only know how to REFER TO THE TEXT BOOK. If your mentor has no love for the subject, how can you be expected to become impassioned or enthralled by it? You don't want to rush things; you want a calm, placid environment, free of stress. 

That's how I wish my situation was when I first tried tea. Unfortunately I was sick, mum heated the green tea too high giving it a bitter, pungent taste, and the honey didn't make it better. My lack of experience with hot beverages also left my tongue burnt. Don't get me wrong, my parents get a 10/10 for parenting, but they didn't school me in tea. Although, I do wonder, if I hadn't discovered tea on my own life journey, maybe it wouldn't have had such a profound impact on my life.

As a tea PSA I want to tell you all that green tea should be brewed at 80°C. To get this, you fill a cup 4/5s high with boiling water, then add 1/5 cold water, and stir with a spoon; once it's mixed, add the green tea. Remove the tea leaves/bag after 3 minutes. This will ensure you're beverage won't become astringent or bitter, and you should be left with a really nice brew. Do not use 100°C boiling water, it makes a difference.


So skip forward to December 2014, I hadn't touched tea for about 15 years. I was on a date with a nice girl, and she mentioned she was a tea fan. Straight away I laugh her off, saying tea is disgusting, and she is surprised, because tea is something she is really fond of. Date goes alright. We see each other a week or so later, and she has a bag for me. Inside the bag is a jar. Inside the jar is a whole bunch of assorted teas. Then I said: 'Awwwww'. Then she smiled. Without exerting any effort, I had been given an opportunity to try something I hadn't really put any effort or thought into, and since so many people rave about tea, I thought it was high time I give tea a fair shake. Also, I was flattered, because it was a very sweet thing for someone to do.

The date in question [1]

So I started this tea blog. I started as a cynic and a skeptic. I wanted to chronicle my journey because I needed a creative outlet, and because I thought it would be a cool thing to record. Because what other idiot has a tea blog? Here we are roughly 10 months later, and I'm drinking bordering on what I believe to be emotionally unhealthy amounts of tea, enjoying tea, appreciating the subtleties and filled with a greater knowledge about something I once knew nothing of. I have educated myself, learned and developed my palate, and used prose to both slam and describe my love of many different teas. I haven't blogged every tea I've tried, not by a long shot, but I can tell I've grown. I can see it in my writing, comparing my oldest blogs to now. This has been one the coolest things I've done, and I couldn't recommend it to you any higher. 

Now I don't see that girl anymore, but I think I still came away with something really great.

I consider myself a happy person, so I have a high baseline life enjoyment factor,
but tea has definitely had an impact on my life too. Value drops to 0 in 2020 because again, my
preordained tea-related 2020 death. What this graph should show you, is you should
get into tea. Now.

Now, onto the tea of the day: Tea Harvest's Japanese Dew

Awww, it's a little koi fish on the package. This better taste as
serene as the package promises, otherwise I'll feel really bad emptying
this down the toilet; I paid $7 for it.

Nasal review
It smells nectarous and complex; one of the most pleasant aromas I've smelt in my entire life. It is fresh as a kangaroo corpse on a country road, and as bright as the sun bearing down on it. I got a feeling I'm going to enjoy this as a burp after consumption.

Tongue review
This delight melts in your mouth, and delivers on everything the redolence promised; a zephyr of pure, sweet love. This tea is elegant and simply beautiful. It is delicate, and it's full of subtle hints that have your brain playing hopscotch across the Mad Hatter's dinner table. I can't work out how it's sweet with it's absence of sugar, but wow. I don't know if I would have 'got it' 10 months ago, I might have missed out on why this tea is so great. Damn, I want to make funnies, but I am just sitting here enjoying this, and I have no intention of doing anything else.

Brain review
Get this tea. You should get this tea. You should seriously get this tea. Ask, and I shall send you some of this tea. Send me your address and I will send you this tea. I've got a feeling I'm going to need to start including a 'monthly tea allowance' in my budget.


Le ref
[1] http://www.skyhdwallpaper.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/Date-fruit-1.jpg