Dr Stuart's Liver Detox

Today I'm going to talk about heroes. Heroes are important, I think. They have been instrumental in my self-construction of the person I am today. I suppose a lot of things have, such as the industrialisation and exploitative commercialisation of the dairy industry, the cancellation of Firefly, and my Mac's ability to scroll through inactive windows.

Heroes aren't players that score a game-winner before the buzzer, or who dive in front of someone to take the bullet. Heroes are the defenders who prevent goals consistently by locking out a potentially scoring player from getting involved. Heroes are the educators who teach people about smoke alarms and to stop drop and roll. People involved with prevention and mitigation are the most important, the 'heroes' just get all the glory when it was a team effort from the start. Heroes are often not the people you expect. Who would have thought a lowly astromech droid such as R2-D2 would become arguably the most important figure in a galaxy far, far away?

Let's take a moment to appreciate what support bars do for us. [1]

This brings me to todays tea: Dr Stuart's Liver Detox. This was given to me by a chum(p) known as Sam. She described it as 'gross', or something. I don't remember exactly what she said. The important thing, is that she gave it to me for free. The point is, heroes can sometimes be critics, who tell you what not to do. Roger Ebert is someone I consider a hero, he always knew whether or not a film would be wasting my life. We only get a short time in this life, why waste it on things that aren't worth your time? Especially if you have the luxury of choice; not many do, you'd be crazy to waste your opportunity. I'm not saying I'm a hero for reviewing tea, but I'm not saying I'm not one either.

Something tells me I'm going to want to detox this as soon as I taste it.

What the hell is that smell?:
Oh shit, I'm going to go open my door and make sure I have ventilation in this room. Oh god. The same rules apply here as they do when cleaning with bleach and ammonia together. It smells like burning tires, and what I imagine Bubblegloop Swamp to smell like. Ingredients: Dandelion root, centaury herb and milk thistle. Oh god. What have I done?

I picked a lot of thistles in my 500 hours of Skyrim. Worth iiiiiiit.

Tentative first taste:
I really don't want to try this. Interesting fact: While waiting for the tea to cool, I was googling the milk thistle, like the ones I used to pick in Skyrim. The Milk thistle actually cause death to ruminants (cows, sheep, your mum) via oxygen deprivation due to levels of potassium nitrate metabolites binding to haemoglobin, blocking oxygen binding and the red blood cells' ability to transport oxygen. 

Okay Ben, just do it. You can do it. Brb. Okay fine. I can do this.



Oh fuck. This is the worst thing I've ever drank. I have tears in my eyes. My face is screwed up, oh my god. All my saliva is tainted! I don't care about my liver anymore; I want tequila to wash this down. Here is a video I have made of my initial reaction. 

Somebody kill me please:
Do not drink this. Curse you Sam. A plague on your house. You are the opposite of a hero. Nothing could have prepared me for this.


No:



Horses:
[1] http://www.pmrr.org/Structures/BasculeBridge/photo09.jpg

T2's Cool As A Cucumber (chocolate)

Apparently I'm now branching out into tea-flavoured things. You really need to lower your expectations teaple, because I'll use any excuse to try anything tea related now. DO YOU SEE WHAT TEA HAS DONE TO ME? I'm like a crack addict, trying to find fresh veins, or new things to cut it with. 

Me now (November 29th, 2015). Pfft, pretty boy.

Me in 2 years. [1] 
'No teeth-grazes means a happy customer.'

T2's Cool As A Cucumber chocolate was gifted to me by a lovely person, and I am eternally grateful. Let me be clear, this is a tea flavoured chocolate block.


Through the eyeglass and Smelloscope:
Well, it certainly looks like chocolate, smells like chocolate, and I'm going to assume it tastes like chocolate. If it doesn't, I'm going to be so let down. Still no hint of the fabled tea contained within. 

Packaging, so you know what to look for/avoid.
Cool. Cool cool cool. 

I've got a theory we should work this out
this probably won't last long.

This is such a pretentious block of chocolate, starring the likes of: vanilla pods, white hibiscus (quite), roasted chicory root (oh, at least it's roasted), cucumber, lemongrass, woodruff (wait, what?), apple, eucalyptus leaves, sweet blackberry leaves (thank god they're sweet), melon pieces, lime, lemon myrtle, sunflower petals (oh come on, seriously?) and raspberry pieces. 
This BLOCKbuster (tehehe)

LAUGH DAMMIT!

I SAID LAUGH! 

will most likely be comparable to Ocean's 12, despite the star-studded cast. 


The very first 'first bite of segment' segment of the tlog:
Brb toilet.
Back. 
Okay so, wow, that is interesting. It is really complex. Some of the flavours are contained in these little hard granules that feel like you're chewing sand. It's kind of like eating crab; you don't want to be eating little shell flakes, but crab meat is so damn tasty you'll do it anyway.

• For you vegetarians: it's like eating fish that contains small bones.
• For you real vegetarians, it's like eating a potato fresh from the soil without washing it.
• For you vegans: see vegetarian, but the potato hasn't been grown in a crop-rotated field that included animals

Man, if only I had an enzyme to digest cellulose with! Oh well... [2]

Dark chocolate is amazing, and if you don't like it, don't buy this. It is richer than a Rothschild and to be honest, I can't actually taste many/any of the flowery and neverending list of grandiose premium ingredients. It just tastes like chocolate with a weird little indescribable taste, and a grainy texture.
It's good, don't get me wrong, just seems unnecessary, like the Kardasishns (yes I have made a spelling error, but out of principal and fear of being called a hypocrite, I refuse to fix it, to prove just how little it matters, and because you all know who I am talking about anyway).

Ahh, sweet, sweet woodruff. Weight, is it the
flowers or the leaves? [3]

A reductionist's approach here would be useful.
I seriously can't imagine some 'food engineer' tasting this chocolate and going: 'Hmmmm, it's missing something. Hmmmmmmmm. Wait, I know! Woodruff! Ahh, now it's perfect'.


The rest of the block:
Okay this is awkward: the chocolate is already gone. I wasn't really prepared for this and before I realised it, I had eaten all of it. I feel really sad right now. It never stood a chance...I, never stood a chance. Thank god I just ate chocolate, otherwise I'd be really sad I don't have any more chocolate...oh wait.


Thoughtlessness:
Look, the volume is small, it's most likely expensive, but it's good. I recommend trying it, because it was delicious, but seriously, get over yourself right after you do eat it.


Le ref:
[1] http://images2.fanpop.com/image/photos/14000000/Gollum-Smeagol-smeagol-gollum-14076888-960-403.jpg
[2] https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/c/c9/HaworthStrukturCellulose.jpg/800px-HaworthStrukturCellulose.jpg
[3] http://schmidling.com/woodruff.jpg

planet organic's Female Balance

Hey teaple, how you iz? So I like to think I am quite in touch with my more feminine side, but sometimes I'll admit I'm off my game. Yesterday, some snatch subtly hinted to me that I should give it a fine tuning by giving me this tea, so today's tea is planet organic's Female Balance. The cooter muffin might be right: let's drink this bitch.

I don't need balance, I need MORE POWER. 

At first glance:

Lemongrass, not a fan. Herbal teas are usually great, no caffeine, snazzy and cute ingredients, but I don't really understand why this is just for women. Wanna talk about 'equality' and 'balance'? Equality is for rubes, and balance is for gymnasts. Also I'm so glad it's organic, otherwise I'd feel just...terrible. No fairtrade? Oh goodness gracious me! Pfft. Pffffft.

No caption needed [1].








Okay fine: This is my pfft, novel-writing, and sex face. It's also my 'Ewwwww,
lemongrass face'.

Sips:

Oh dang, this be some sweet, sweet tang. Licorice is the bomb! The aftertaste is a craymazing fusion of the zesty lemongrass and the sweet, sweet licorice. It's sOVARY good. Does anyone need a hug? 

Are YOU okay, sincerely? 

It's seriously going to be okay, if you want to talk, I want to listen.

I am feeling very supportive right now, and I want you to know that. A seed has sprouted, and I await it's fruits with a humbled presence.  

Downing it:

Okay, I am digging this tea: a luscious rainforest now grows within my heart which was once filled with earthy abandon (flowery prose hey?). Aren't girls the best? God damn, they are just the best. I don't know where I'd be without them, but I am so thankful for all the women in my life; that choose to grace me with their presence. Now that I'm a big boy, and I learned I can choose friends, I have tried to surround myself with people I respect, and whose company I enjoy, and I'm so glad many of them are guuuuurls. 

I know equality is a big thing right now worldwide for women, rightly so; the idea of treating all the womenz as people seems to be hard to understand. Respect shouldn't be earned, it should be assumed.

Oh right, I almost forgot: this is a tea blog. The tea's good, get it.

Afterthought/s:

Balance is such an important part of life; for your diet, work vs play, and male to female ratios in China. Be thankful for equilibrioception and your vestibulo-ocular reflexes. Thank your ancestors by drinking this tea, and have a good think about the ones you choose as your people blanket. Please don't use a real people blanket, it's a metaphor. I don't want this blog connected with a string of murders involving skinned victims.

Final werds:

Great, I'm now realising how much I miss Buffy, and Veronica Mars, and Gilmore Girls, and The Good Wife. Thank old gods and the new, for Jessica Jones.

I don't want to have to explain that I was being suuuper ironic at the top of this tlog, demonstrating the 'transformation' I underwent due to the consumption of planet organic's Female Balance, so I'm not going to.

Referential potential:

[1] http://i1.wp.com/www.psyourdogcalled.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/dog-sticking-tongue-out.jpg?fit=830%2C9999

Letter to Greg Behrendt and Dave Anthony

Not a tea blog entry, but since I have no other platform, I shall post this here:


I want to talk about the podcast Walking the Room, and what it means to me. Being late to the game and first listening this year, I had a lot to catch up on. I’ll start with a quick anecdote: My friend at uni got me into WTR in 2015, and I was listening to it at a furious rate, burning through episode after episode. I work in a lab, so I turn it on in my headphones and listen. I was listening to the start of an episode and was singing along to the old WTR song loudly. My supervisor comes into the room and says: ‘Do you listen to Walking the Room?’.

I should just start off by saying that I have listened to a LOT of podcasts, and this isn’t your average Cuddle; it explores human nature through the vulnerability of a friendship, and brings us along for the rollercoaster.

What’s most remarkable about WTR is its sincerity. Humans repeat stories, they contradict themselves, they are hypocritical, and these are all shown throughout the tenure of WTR. It really is a special journey one gets to take with two very close human beings. I am flattered you invited us into the closet to hear about your lives and relationships. To explore a friendship so intimately is such a rare thing, and to see it in sliver-like cross-sections over a long period of time is such a treat.  I’ve beared witness to how you and your friend lean on, support, poke fun at, and humour each other throughout the highs and lows of life. Being funny in the face of adversity doesn’t have to be done alone, and owning your bullshit can be cathartic and therapeutic for both listener and speaker.

You guys are inherently creative people and the love the creative process. It is such a fun thing listening to you guys develop ideas, which turn into running jokes over time, watching them evolve into something crazier and more preposterous. Sometimes I just sit there in amazement and wonder what went through your minds for the idea to end up where it did. Even though WTR has been about fans, it’s never been about the fans; it’s always been about the real, visceral friendship between you two.

Often the most touching moments are when it’s just you two talking, whether it’s worrying about your kids, future, or talking about social issues. You two are deeply caring people (as much as Dave wouldn’t like to admit it), and you guys create small moments that I’m glad I was there to hear.

The greatest thing about Walking the Room is that it’s not a “success story”, it’s just real life. Life is hard, and it doesn’t end like a movie. WTR personifies this, and doesn’t coddle us with bullshit, or wrap things up in an oversimplified way. You guys delve into the complex and the unpleasant, and often leave it on a sombre note. So I want to thank you for that.

I want to thank you for the company, for the content, for being yourselves and allowing me the privilege of listening.

The nasty, dark, twisted, vulnerable, sweet, real and so-very-human swan-song to friendship, that’s Walking the Room.

*cue opening theme music*

Tea blog: origins. Also tea harvest's japanese dew

Hey teaple, I thought I'd start this post off by telling you about how all this began; how this tea blog came about. I wanted to describe how my initial fascination with tea was kindled, and is now a raging fire, which has consequently led me to today's tea, and how much I appreciate it, when I know I wouldn't have 10 months ago. Also I want to say there is a Lost spoiler in this post, so scroll with caution inevitable Lostaholics.

As a human-created artificially intelligent robot, human, or human-creating god, you will have several moments or significant events that redefine your life into two categories: pre-x and post-x. (My higher deity readership is quite high, so I feel it's about time I acknowledge my audience). Shout out to my main man Hurley, Overlord and Protector of the Island.

My experience with tea was a significant one. As a non-tea drinker for the first 23 years of my life, or as I like to call it: pre-tea, I had only 2 - 3 brushes with it, but I hated it with a tea-phobic vengeance. I hated it with the bitterness that it went down my throat with for the first time.

Tea consumption over my lifetime measured in Cups Per Day (CPD). You
can see a slight elevation in 2014, value of 0.0328767123287671 CPD, as I started
drinking tea in the last half of December 2014. Future predictions have me hitting 4
CPD until I peak at 15 CPD in 2019. I'm pretty sure this will end in death. My death.
As seen in the 2020 predictions.

Normally, your first experience with something should be good, just like if you are driving, learning maths, taking meth, drinking, or having sex for the first time. You want someone who knows what they are doing, to guide you patiently without judgement. You want someone who will let you know it's going to be okay, and that it will get better and you will get better. That's why most people hate maths; because they had uncaring teachers who don't know how to communicate or nurture effectively, and only know how to REFER TO THE TEXT BOOK. If your mentor has no love for the subject, how can you be expected to become impassioned or enthralled by it? You don't want to rush things; you want a calm, placid environment, free of stress. 

That's how I wish my situation was when I first tried tea. Unfortunately I was sick, mum heated the green tea too high giving it a bitter, pungent taste, and the honey didn't make it better. My lack of experience with hot beverages also left my tongue burnt. Don't get me wrong, my parents get a 10/10 for parenting, but they didn't school me in tea. Although, I do wonder, if I hadn't discovered tea on my own life journey, maybe it wouldn't have had such a profound impact on my life.

As a tea PSA I want to tell you all that green tea should be brewed at 80°C. To get this, you fill a cup 4/5s high with boiling water, then add 1/5 cold water, and stir with a spoon; once it's mixed, add the green tea. Remove the tea leaves/bag after 3 minutes. This will ensure you're beverage won't become astringent or bitter, and you should be left with a really nice brew. Do not use 100°C boiling water, it makes a difference.


So skip forward to December 2014, I hadn't touched tea for about 15 years. I was on a date with a nice girl, and she mentioned she was a tea fan. Straight away I laugh her off, saying tea is disgusting, and she is surprised, because tea is something she is really fond of. Date goes alright. We see each other a week or so later, and she has a bag for me. Inside the bag is a jar. Inside the jar is a whole bunch of assorted teas. Then I said: 'Awwwww'. Then she smiled. Without exerting any effort, I had been given an opportunity to try something I hadn't really put any effort or thought into, and since so many people rave about tea, I thought it was high time I give tea a fair shake. Also, I was flattered, because it was a very sweet thing for someone to do.

The date in question [1]

So I started this tea blog. I started as a cynic and a skeptic. I wanted to chronicle my journey because I needed a creative outlet, and because I thought it would be a cool thing to record. Because what other idiot has a tea blog? Here we are roughly 10 months later, and I'm drinking bordering on what I believe to be emotionally unhealthy amounts of tea, enjoying tea, appreciating the subtleties and filled with a greater knowledge about something I once knew nothing of. I have educated myself, learned and developed my palate, and used prose to both slam and describe my love of many different teas. I haven't blogged every tea I've tried, not by a long shot, but I can tell I've grown. I can see it in my writing, comparing my oldest blogs to now. This has been one the coolest things I've done, and I couldn't recommend it to you any higher. 

Now I don't see that girl anymore, but I think I still came away with something really great.

I consider myself a happy person, so I have a high baseline life enjoyment factor,
but tea has definitely had an impact on my life too. Value drops to 0 in 2020 because again, my
preordained tea-related 2020 death. What this graph should show you, is you should
get into tea. Now.

Now, onto the tea of the day: Tea Harvest's Japanese Dew

Awww, it's a little koi fish on the package. This better taste as
serene as the package promises, otherwise I'll feel really bad emptying
this down the toilet; I paid $7 for it.

Nasal review
It smells nectarous and complex; one of the most pleasant aromas I've smelt in my entire life. It is fresh as a kangaroo corpse on a country road, and as bright as the sun bearing down on it. I got a feeling I'm going to enjoy this as a burp after consumption.

Tongue review
This delight melts in your mouth, and delivers on everything the redolence promised; a zephyr of pure, sweet love. This tea is elegant and simply beautiful. It is delicate, and it's full of subtle hints that have your brain playing hopscotch across the Mad Hatter's dinner table. I can't work out how it's sweet with it's absence of sugar, but wow. I don't know if I would have 'got it' 10 months ago, I might have missed out on why this tea is so great. Damn, I want to make funnies, but I am just sitting here enjoying this, and I have no intention of doing anything else.

Brain review
Get this tea. You should get this tea. You should seriously get this tea. Ask, and I shall send you some of this tea. Send me your address and I will send you this tea. I've got a feeling I'm going to need to start including a 'monthly tea allowance' in my budget.


Le ref
[1] http://www.skyhdwallpaper.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/Date-fruit-1.jpg

Tea Harvests' raspberry and vanilla rooibos

Happy weekly Saturday fellow teaple! 

So I decided today would be a great day to get up at 9 AM and go to the farmers market, despite the fact I got to bed around 4 AM. I am pretty sure I woke up drunk, or at least unburdened of a few less malfunctioning brain cells, you know, the ones that help with the whole balance and hand-eye coordination thing. At this point I can't really tell, but it doesn't really matter anyway. I should weigh myself before and after...wait, that won't tell me anything..will it? I figure with my steady and constant decline of my already feeble intelligence, it won't matter to me soon anyway. As the processing power of my brain slowly grinds to a halt, I will become happier and happier. At least this is the trend I have noticed while drinking, so I figure it's the same in real life too.

Isn't it cool that humans have an "I'M AWESOME AND INVICIBLE" magic potion called alcohol? It cleans wounds, melts inhibitions, and makes you brave enough to stick a needle into your own ey- Oh wait, that's heroin, which I guess is kinda the same thing. Still, that's pretty neato! I'm not saying do drugs, but I'm not saying don't do them either. I'm not here to tell you what to do, or aren't I? I just want to see you don't not do drugs. Confused? Am, me...too?

Aww who's that cutie-pie in the reflection? Who's that precious flower petal?
Adawwwwable little pumpkin! Yes you are, yes you are! Tehehehehehe *farts*

Hmmm:
This smells delicious. I am not going to lie, I am at half mast right now. I stand at attention and treat my superiors with respect.

No more waiting, I'm checking in

Weeeeeeee:
Dammit, that is good. That is like eating raspberry and white chocolate anything, that's what that reminds me of. If love could be freeze dried, it would taste like this. This would be amazing as an iced tea.

I guaranTEA (lel) that if soldiers in WW2 took this blend with them, and exchanged it with enemy soldiers, all would lay down their nunchucks, come up out of trenches (they still fought in trenches right?) for a spat and gumble, empty their musket powder bags into the wind, and enjoy the company of other raspberry and vanilla scented humans as they rolled cannonballs off the deck into the ocean, giggling like school children. Fighting would definitely have resumed after everyone realised there was a limited supply, but the smart ones would cut the throats of their once-enemies, now spooning partners as they sucked their thumbs in gentle slumber. As the ground runs red with bloody mud, the sound of boots squelch through the sticky mire as the ones left standing walk towards the few remaining packets of Tea Harvests' raspberry and vanilla rooibos, raising fists even against those in the same uniform.

I was going to cut myself and stand in my backyard for a picture like this, but instead I found a website where some guys shot a buffalo with a bow and arrow in what they called a 'Buffalo Field Test' [1]. I know when I need to test anything, I always put it to the 'Buffalo Field Test' because it really is an unmatched gold standard in today's modern world. 

Ahhh:
Wow, this is really good. The raspberry is so fresh and aromatic, despite being desiccated and dead for ages. Who knew death could make me feel so alive? It is just a blushing full flavour. Maybe I'm tasting the soul. Vanilla is an amazing accentuation, and rooibos for the 'tea' moniker, with their powers combined they are a radical blend. 
I am actually going to stop looking for a life partner because I've found something I want by my side forever. I would kill for this tea. STAY AWAY. GET BACK. 


Zzzzz:
OH GOD I'VE JUST REALISED I'M GOING TO RUN OUT OF IT ONE DAY. The farmers market is once a month? Are they serious? Who's idea was that? I will kil- Oh wait, they have a website: www.teaharvest.com.au, phew.




Much love all, pteace (sigh) out

Pfft:
[1] http://ospsabermaxx.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/Blood-Trail-mud.jpg

Madam Flavour's Tea Treats: Orange choc ceylon PLUS 2015 Tea season stats review

I actually drank this tea for the first time over a week ago, and I keep coming back here to write about it, but I haven't really found the words to express my thoughts on it until now. As I look back on this post before publishing it, I realise this my most intimate tea review to date. Maybe it's due to me coming around completely to tea over the past 8 months, maybe I'm just straddling that fine line between my brain being hyper-aware, basking in the aftergloam and being just that little bit sleepy, but I feel like my whole tea career culminated to this point; a sort of scientific intelligent design (wut) that would have always led me here. I don't want to say fate, but if Jeebus didn't have a hand in this, I don't know who did. That is of course, unless I wholeheartedly take responsibility for the things that happen to me, and that my own decisions and actions shape the course of my life, and that I'm not a piece of driftwood in a cosmic entity's random and convoluted tidal ebb and flow, that maybe, just maybe as I systematically drank hundreds of teas over the past 8 months, that statistically I would find a tea I truly enjoy. I've been in an 8 month long war of attrition with tea, and now I'm finally starting to reap the teawards.


Here we go:
I knew the minute I smelled the tea bags as I was opening the box that this would be a tea I would not forget. That dark and complex riff between the acidic orange and the dark, deep cocoa gave me shivers down my spine. This one's it, I can feel it: I am finally going to find a tea I legitimately want to drink over water.

If there was one thing that was going to cause me to die of a
black tea overdose, it would be this tea, and I am fully
prepared for this both emotionally and mentally.

Indirect senses:
The rehydrated tea mix is filling my room with the smell of molten chocolate, and as I lean over the tea to smell it, the tangy orange zest tickles my nostrils with giddy delight. Right now, I am so keen, and there has never been a more appropriate use of the term.


Primary tasting:
Woah, that is special. An unrelenting orange blast right to the face; this tea is an overachiever when it comes to reaching its potential. Chocolate aftertones betwixt mouthfuls, and deep cocoa aromas before going back for another sip. This tea is splendid. It is legitimately splendid. I have tears forming in my eyes right now.


Mulled thoughts:
Dark chocolate/orange is combination you either love or hate, and I'm a huge fan of the deadly fusion. It's funny how the simple blend of orange peel, cocoa beans and black tea in the right ratio will obliterate all my love for cute furry animals and have me wound up like a dentist on the ledge of the West Gate Bridge. NOTHING I DO WILL EVER ECLIPSE THE FEELING I HAVE FOR THIS TEA. WHY COME I WILL NEVER LOVE SOMETHING AS MUCH AS THIS TEA?

Another bonus about this tea is that it actually contains black tea. The blend hits a really great flavour:tea ratio and it makes it accessible to dirty, filthy casuals, as well as self-absorbed, narrow minded tea bloggers. I am PISSED this bag only comes with 10, and not an exciting number such as 20 or something in triple digits, however my search is over. This is a tea I will be buried with. I refuse to move onto the afterlife unless buried with this tea. I will haunt you all like the Holy Ghost did to Mary if I am not buried with this tea. I will go all Sleepy Hollow on you I swear on my future headless body!


Thought du final:
Now I have found my new tops tea, I can move onto my next blog; reviewing sex toys, and if I've learned anything from tea, I want to start with the biggest, and blackest ones and move downwards in intensity.

2015 Season review

With this years Teason (tea drinking season) coming to a close, let's take a look back at some of the stats and superb plays throughout this past tea-filled year:

The post season interview:

Interviewer: How are you?
BV: Err, good. Yeah, I'm good, how are you?
I: Yeah, can't complain. Let's jump right into it shall we?
BV: Yeah, let's do it.
I: So, how do you feel about your time in the tea cup this year? Do you think you accomplished what you set out to do?
BV: Well, that's a bit of a loaded question don't you think? I think I played hard this season, and I think I learned a lot. In reflection, I've had a lot of fun this year, I've developed the catalogue, gone down the rabbit hole over a hundred times and come up with a bunch of new plays, new experiences and brewed with the best of them.
I: I mean just looking at those stats, 14/100 teas and those half-baked reviews, that's not exactly tea sommelier material.
BV: Coming into this season as a fresh rookie I didn't expect as much cup time as I got, so that was good that the coaches believed in my abilities enough to put me in the cup for me to prove I could get the job done. In response to your criticism, this season was about growing the (tea)m from the ground up. We didn't have a lot of knowledge coming in, no plan or direction, just a whole list of tea candidates and one mouth to put it in. I think it's unfair to call it unsommelier-like. The half-baked review criticism I will take on the chin however, I deserve that.
I: You had a rocky start to the season way back in December.
BV: You know, at that point, it was such a dark time, I had been drinking tea for months and not liked any of it yet. It was soul crushing and the daily grind really weighed on me. Even after #30, when I finally bagged one, it still didn't feel like I was getting anywhere.
I: How did you feel about not posting a review on every tea you tried?
BV: Well, most of the time I just couldn't be bothered, you know you spend so much time with the cup; training, playing the game and staying focused, that sometimes you forget about the press and reaching out. I'd just like to formally apologize to all the fans out there that supported me the whole way, even if it felt like a one-way street sometimes.
I: How do you respond to the allegations of milk and honey supplementation?
BV: *Covers mic with hand* We talked about this, I won't be answering any questions about that.
*Producer Mac Weebly visibly concerned*
I: If you could just respond to-
BV: This interview is over, goodbye.
I: Mr Vezina, please wait. Is he leaving? Okay he is actually leaving the set. Okay everyone, umm...good job. Do we have enough Mac?
Mac: Yeah I think we got it.

Celestial Seasonings': Sleepytime Vanilla infusion

As secretly calming as Avril Lavigne's 'Complicated' usually is for me, today was not one of those days. I worked all damn day and got damn near nothing done, now my house is so damn cold I can see my own damn breath, and my damn sausage rolls are still cooking in the oven and I'm real damn hungry. UPDATE: So after checking on my sausage rolls, turns out I burned the damn things, but it's all good, because they are still uncooked in the...oh whatever, you know what? I don't have the emotional fortitude to deal with this at the moment:

Maybe I'll look back at this and laugh. YEAH MORE LIKE
LOOK BACK AT THIS WITH AN EMPTY STOMACH! YOU
FAILED ME OVEN, YOU HAD ONE ROLL (ROLE - geddit) 

But, you didn't come here to hear me complain about things, you came here to hear me complain specifically, about commercial tea, and I want to, but my fingers are cold. Well buckle up son, 'cos life ain't meant to always be easy and it's ain't always meant to be fun, and tea is a great example of that.

Todays tea is Celestial Seasonings': Sleepytime Vanilla infusion. Mmmm, well that's a lie, because right now it's the only tea I own, so it's also tomorrow's tea, and also 18 days after that.


Initial observations:
The box of tea smells great: minty, vanilla...ish(?), and it has a picture of a cute bear is taking a nap. All is well in this universe. I want to be unbirthed, then rebirthed into this idyllic world for the first time ever. I don't want to know of anything but this majestic life this cool, radical bear here promises; I don't want the corrupting influence of humanity to screw me up influence me all over again. This is what I want; the endless possibilities, no drama lifestyle, button up shirts and hammocks all day, everyday. OKAY, here we go:

This Paddington wannabe
Is sittin' infronna me
Like he thinks he's a king
Like inbred Lannister royalty
Mind full of nothing
Chillin' with herbal tea
As I abuse him verbally
With annunciated hyperbole.
His eyes are now empty
Unlike my cup which is tempting
Don't even know who you are bear,
You're less than a memory.

Chyea, 2015, word

First thoughts on the first sips:
Okay wow that is interesting. Not what I was expecting at all. Citrusy and follow up minty...ish(??). This tea is waaaay more assertive than that cute, nonchalant bear on the front of the box lets on. I don't like this new world. Mummy, I want to go home, rebirth me back the original way please.
It kind of slaps you in the face and wakes you up. I'm already up, not that I could sleep when my house is subzero temperatures anyway.


Many a sip later:
There is a lot going on in this tea; the vanilla sticks to the back of your throat once the acidic flavours are through with their guerrilla tactics, after you've finished breathing through the mint. The flavours come in waves: the flavours waver, I'll keep drinking I just gotta be braver, I'm a saviour, you're lamer, when the lions roll round I train the tamer, you can't touch me son; it's all gonna be mine, I'll take the kettle and give you Sleepytime®. Seriously though, it's fine. It's not the bomb, but I can see how this would actually be doubleplusgood tea in some people's opinion. To be honest, I think some of these flavours would work well with a chai blend, and some honey if you feel like cheating.


Recommendation:
Go in with expectations, and you're almost always sure to leave disappointed (barring Mad Max 3, and I'm sure the new Star Wars will be the BEST MOVIES EVER). Take this with a metaphorical grain of salt and let it settle you, alleviate your nerves, and punch you in the tongue with a caustic sneak attack (+2d6).


Final words:
Ahh damn, I got 19 tea bags to go.

Madame Flavour's Tea Treats: caramel oolong

My life has been benchmarked by several key events or decisions, each of which changed the course of my life forever:

2013

• Moving to Geelong for honours
• Once in Geelong, trying aioli for the first time

2014

• Destroyed the Pizza Bar Chilli Challenge

2015

• Accidentally started drinking tea
• Discovering halloumi cheese
• Watched Mad Max: Fury Road

Okay, okay there may have been a few more important and cromulent decisions along the way, but those are the keystone ones that have defined my life up until this point, the rest, meh.

So, today my friend Sarah decided to give me a tea, and it was Madame Flavour's Tea Treats: caramel oolong. The only Oolong I know is this guy:

I'd take bacon over a Senzu bean any day. 

and since I'm a huge fan of the bacon/caramel combo, I am quite excited.

Initial observations:
Smells kind of like caramel, and the tea bag doesn't seem to be changing the colour of the water very much. At this point, I can't be sure whether or not this tea consists of FLAVOUR YOU CAN SEE!

First thoughts on the first sips:
Oh wait, oolong isn't...pork? The tea is super weak, maybe the bag just didn't release it's contents well. The 'caramel' is unnoticeable, and the drink tastes like slightly oolonginated water.

Madam fucking Flavour and her invasive fucking notes. Na I
kid, I think they are charming, and make me want to buy a heap
more Madam Flavour teas! All because of those well-crafted,
personal notes. Thanks Madam Flavour, you're the best, and it's
all because of your notes! <3 

Many sips later:
Damn, I might have to give this another go with another tea bag just incase this one was defective, or double/triple up tea bags if it is meant to be this weak. And aww, I was really looking forward to bacon and caramel tea.


Recommendation:
Let me get back to you kids, I can't analyse what's not there *cough* GOD *cough*. Sorry, must have gone down the wrong pipe, and this Quick-Quotes Quill just writes down everything I say (with some liberties). In the mean time, here is a poem I wrote:

I make much tea,
My mug is blue,
Man I hate tea,
No more T2

Final words:
Oh what a day, what a lovely day!

Nerada Organics' Green Tea and Lemon Myrtle

Welcome back tea fans, I hope you're excited about todays entry, I sure am! It's been calling to me like a mermaid on the rocks, you know the ones with shells over their boobs, not like the Harry Potter ones, or the Peter Pan ones, not like Aquaman either...you know, I'm starting to think Mermaids are creatures I don't actually want to come across. Anyway, moving on, picking randomly from my tea hitlist drinklist, I have drawn the short straw: Nerada Organics' Green Tea and Lemon Myrtle. Sigh, we are so not going to get on well.

I bet Jedi's wouldn't even drink this, I am practically a national
hero for drinking this. Why doesn't ACU name a scholarship
after me? What? Too soon?

Initial observations:
Smells lemony fresh as window cleaner and appetising as chewing lemongrass...without teeth...and lockjaw. Need I say more?


First thoughts on the first sips:
You know that feeling when you go into your wallet full knowing all you have is more silver than a wishing fountain, and you're really hungry/not intoxicated enough to know you're intoxicated enough, and you don't know where an ATM is, yet you still reach in and double check, just in case a note got folded down the bottom. But just like you knew deep down, your fishing expedition always comes up empty, with your hands smelling like dirty, cheap silver coins. That's what I feel like right now, because not only did I come up empty when drinking this monstrosity, but I have this lemony reminder hanging around my palate like an incurable gypsy curse.

Many sips later:
I have actual tears forming in the ducts of my eyes. This is such an unpleasant feeling; where mint may thrive being the condiment to green tea's 'food' (or whatever is the true opposite to 'condiment' is), lemon is just overkill. It assaults the senses with just such an overbearing lemony glaze. I just don't understand why someone would drink this. I get that lemon myrtle is a true blue skipper bloke swagman type tea, but no amount of patriotism could convince me to drink this tea again.

This is what you're doing

This is what I want you to do

Apologies for referencing this one 

Recommendation:
"We are one, but we are many" is a deep, complex and powerful statement. The ratio of lemon myrtle in one tea bag of Nerada Organics' Green Tea and Lemon Myrtle to 250 mL of water in favour of the myrtle, is also a powerful statement. If you like overpowering citrus flavour in the form of an unsweetened liquid with tiny notes of green tea, this outback science-experiment-gone-wrong is for you, if not I'd steer clear. 


Final words:
Maybe you think I'm too harsh and that I don't give things a fair go; that the legions of tea fans and fame has gotten to my head, and I just don't 'get it' anymore. Well maybe you're right, maybe I am overly harsh, but maybe, just maybe I just want to experience human greatness, and right at this very point in time I want to experience the output of human greatness in the form of great tea. And maybe this tea I drank tonight was not a great tea, maybe this tea was objectively lacking greatness.

The fact is, anyone can do anything with mediocrity, except be great. NB: Maybe that's the where the origin of the word 'critic' comes from, for critics denounce the mediocre from the stellar. Who am I kidding, critics are assholes.

Madame Flavour's Green Jasmine and Pear

It's been an interesting past few weeks, with a whole bunch of world news happening, many things going on in politics, and new celebrity couplings...I think. I don't actually know, I just assume all these things happen in repeat over the course of two to three week blocks, like a recurring nightmare. It's important to stay up to date in topical typical topics such as these (which I obviously do) so you can relate to other humans and have some common topics to dive into when small talk goes South.

Unfortunately for most normal humans, this is a tea blog, where tea and it's pop-culture tangents are focused on and celebrated; a marginalised array of people spending time as part of the smallest, most reclusive niche group on the planet (besides the Stonecutters), this tea blog.

As I open Madame Flavour's Green Jasmine and Pear, a cute curled up little note falls out. It exclaims how the company would love to hear about my "Madame Flavour experience". Well, Madam Flavour, I'd be happy to. For the first time since putting those notes in tea boxes it is now finally going to pay off. For you see Madam, you came to the right person; one with a vast and deep knowledge of tea and all it's hints and complexities, and I will step up and point you in the right direction.

And yes, I'm sure the 'sensual infuser pod' has greatly improved my Madame Flavour experience.

Still, the note is a nice touch.

Initial observations:
Smells alright, the Jasmine ain't promising to show me a whole new world or anything, but I'm feeling a mellow vibe as I breathe this one in. I feel as though jasmine tea always does this for me, it is a very calming aroma, and when I was once angry or agitated to prove myself, I feel it stripped away. This one isn't going to be that funny, but I don't really mind.

My mind is now placid, every thought now; a gentle ripple across the unbroken glassy surface, the mist hovering just above to give an air of mystery, the snow-capped mountains stand boldly in the near-distance. My body is now ready. Take me Madame Flavour, take me gently.


First thoughts on the first sips:
The pear is more bitter than I thought it would be. Straight up, I'm going to say I'm not a fan. The pear feels unnecessary, a feeble attempt at giving this tea character. This tea is Max Keeble's big snooze. I am keen to keep drinking and follow this mofo up, if only for the soothing jasmine peaks.


Many sips later:
I love the green tea/jasmine combination, it's a subtle mixture of the two, giving you the best of both worlds, but the pear is a strange element. You know when you are talking to a group of people at a function, and there is one person who just stands around discussing tea and how they write a tea blog, and they just don't really fit in. Yeah, the pear is kind of like that. It just doesn't fit in here.


Recommendation: 
What I really want is just a simple jasmine/green tea combination. Other fruity flavours don't seem to mix well with that foundation. I really do not understand why tea companies try to make tea into something it's not. That said, I think you can have fun blends, I drink this crazy Pineapple & Grapefruit Green Tea and I totally dig it, but putting pear in this combo isn't going to convince Madame Flavour's children that she's a cool mum who's hip and knows all the cool TV shows. I take that back, happy mothers day Madame Flavour.

This tea is alright, it's alright. I don't want to encourage tea companies to make 'quirky' blends like this for a sake of quirkiness, but I am feeling really calmed, with a good sense of clarity right now, although I did donate plasma this week, so maybe it's just my body succumbing to the phantom infection that's here to claim my life.


Final words:
Well, you did ask, ma'am. Just keep it real.